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the small things

so I just got my deposit for the web design job I'm doing this month. most of it has already been rerouted to my landlord. I thought I was going to have to go buy more @$%&# printer ink (I'm an elitist who thinks that Canon Ink is actually better for art prints than Office Depot fill'em up ink so I pay the price) but then I thought hm. did I happen to buy TWO sets of cyan and photo cyan last time I needed them..?

because of the state of my room I had to move a few things to find out, but when I did, there they were!

happiness is all the ink tanks on your printer reading "full."

the cats will be happy as this means I can take the printer ink money and go buy catfood. I would have bought it anyway but there wouldn't have been any left over for catnip. :(



in other news, I may have a good shot at a telecommute editing job thanks to one of you wonderful people out there. the company sent me about fifty word documents to read through, one of which is a test edit. I will look at them tonight.

I'm still going to pursue the disability case; I don't know that I can find enough of this kind of work to support myself--or if it will turn out to be something I can actually deal with without undue panic--so I'm just going to see how things unfold on both sides. this means I might be seeing a new psychiatrist tomorrow or at least setting up an appointment to see about getting evaluated for a differential between Complex PTSD and Pervasive Developmental Disorder. psychiatrists are such a hit-or-miss bunch, since what they do isn't really a science but a culturally-mediated sorting of people according to how well they function in late capitalism. some have this moral attachment to productivity and self-sufficiency that clouds their ability to say "why yes your way of being is maladaptive to our culture" instead of insisting they can "heal" you by making you do things that you already know won't work.

I have no illusions about psychiatry but I'm willing to use them to find out something like my own relative truth. and some of their drugs help me, so I take them. I don't believe for one minute that any of them have any idea why the drugs help me. well, klonopin does interrupt an apparent panic circuit, but even that mechanism is not well-understood. if this is science, it is still in the crude form of collecting empirical evidence without having yet been able to formulate any well-developed working hypotheses. still, sometimes things work. throw enough neurotransmitter-modifying drugs at someone and you will change something and sometimes it is a helpful change.

sometimes it is not, which is why meds trials are hell. not merely difficult, inconvenient, or disruptive. HELL. people should get six weeks paid leave to go through one. and a caretaker who comes by every day to make sure you are ok and hold your hand if things get scary.

my life is a chemically-mediated experiment. all I really need to do is live long enough and be cognizant enough to publish three or four books. after that, it doesn't really matter to me what they do with the body, you know?

and now, I'm putting the body to bed.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
stoneself
Jan. 8th, 2009 10:59 pm (UTC)
psychiatrists are such a hit-or-miss bunch, since what they do isn't really a science but a culturally-mediated sorting of people according to how well they function in late capitalism.
i love you.
eriktrips
Jan. 9th, 2009 03:44 am (UTC)
:)
daisydumont
Jan. 8th, 2009 11:37 pm (UTC)
>instead of insisting they can "heal" you by making you do things that you already know won't work.

oh yeah. :(

i hope the telecommuting editing job works out! or that you get the disability without too much hassle and pain. or both!
eriktrips
Jan. 9th, 2009 03:47 am (UTC)
yeah you've seen a few psychiatrists, haven't you.

I hope both work out too. it's a weird dance, supporting yourself till the disability case reaches a decision-making point. too much and you reveal yourself as "able to work" even if you can only do one certain thing when asked in one certain way and everything else makes you Freak Out.

life is never dull, is it.
dglenn
Jan. 18th, 2009 04:29 pm (UTC)
"sometimes it is not, which is why meds trials are hell. not merely difficult, inconvenient, or disruptive. HELL."

I have a paradoxical reaction to antidepressants (which doctors keep wanting to prescribe for their sleep-regulating effects, for my fibromyalgia). The last time I let a doctor talk me into taking one ("This one is from a completely different drug family than the others you've tried, so it probably won't affect you the same way.") nearly cost me my life. If I hadn't known enough to interpret the symptoms (mostly from my previous Bad Experiences with antidepressants), it would probably not have been 'nearly'.

Just as bad, an anti-anxiety med (same reason: to regulate sleep to treat fibromyalgia) caused a dramatic personality shift that put several relationships at risk and convinced me I was going crazy (turned me into a rage-machine).

Worse, despite these paradoxical reactions being documented in the Physicians Desk Reference, all but one of the pshrinks I got sent to said, "Oh no, that's not possible; obviously you just need a higher dose." (The lone exception was the psychiatrist who figured out that the anti-anxiety drug was causing my problem.)

*grrrrr*
eriktrips
Jan. 18th, 2009 07:35 pm (UTC)
oh gods. sometimes it seems to me that psychiatry is as badly regulated as is the therapy industry. any dumbass can get a degree or certificate and hang up a shingle and start abusing clients. anyone with the slightest knowledge of medicine knows that a paradoxical reaction to any drug is possible. just because it is statistically improbable in a single instance means nothing; if you have lots of clients, you'll see something weird. I mean, I worked as a vet technician without any formal training and knew this to be the case with animals.

I wonder why they don't prescribe, you know, sleeping pills of some kind. I mean, if you are amenable. if I had reactions to the same drugs you have, I'd be pretty shy about taking much of anything that fiddled with my neurotransmitters.

[edited for typo]

Edited at 2009-01-18 07:37 pm (UTC)
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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