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Regularly scheduled programming

The subject line is something of a wishful thought. It has occurred to me lately that since I've graduated I've lived from one crisis to the next and it is getting old. I have worked out a few routines for myself but I always expect them to be interrupted, disturbed, rearranged, upset and mixed up. Which I suppose is sort of what one can expect and should be able to bounce back from with a certain resilience but I also feel like I am getting more brittle, like I can't take too many more hard falls.



But what can I do. Whatever happens, happens. I do at least have some sort of financial stability poking its head up on the horizon, even if it does not amount to a great windfall [whoops--metaphors. Hard to avoid them!]. After I get my first SSI payment, which should happen in three days, I'm going to go talk to the nice people at the clinic I go to about what I do now that I have Medi-Cal. The fragmentary information I received in the mail does suggest that I can still go there for the usual stuff but i also want to find out if I can get psychotherapy paid for in any way and/or if I need an MD's order to get it covered. The latter would be easy to get.

If therapy were paid for, then losing food stamps would not be as big a hit. My SSI award letter says that "usually" one can get food stamps while on SSI, but not here. I don't know if that is a CA thing or an SF thing or both.

In the meantime, or rather, a little later on, there will be some sort of memorial gathering for my grandmother in, probably, about two months. My aunt is not sure what everyone wants, but apparently my mom and dad are going to be up in WA next week and so Dad will gather with his siblings and decide what, exactly, to do. I'm going to send a note to Donna saying a little more about what I'd like to see, but otherwise I think that we will come up with something that is not overdone but will give us all a moment to pause and think about how much Elsie gave to all of us.

Myself I think I've put off really dealing with the whole thing until such time as we are gathered in the same room--me, my relatives, my parents. I don't want to be the center of attention but unfortunately this is what it will take for my mom to lay eyes on me. I mean, I'm assuming she'll be there. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who has thought well it looks like it'll be Grandma's funeral that gets us in one place at one time, but if it had been my call to make, I wouldn't have waited until it was made for me by the fates.

So. I'm sort of relieved that we aren't all going to be thrust together immediately, but on the other hand the inevitable remains the inevitable no matter how long you put it off. I could have pushed harder for us to face each other beforehand, I suppose, but how hard should it be to get your parents to look you in the face?

I haven't done a whole lot since the weekend. I thought I might try to arrest my sleep/wake cycle into something more, you know, Pacific Time-ish, but my body is stubbornly sleeping 12 hours at a stretch and staying awake 18-20. I don't like to try to force myself to sleep and there is no point to getting up before I am ready to be awake because I'll just fall back asleep at my desk. I kind of thought I might do laundry here on the night shift but getting myself moving is hard enough under the best of circumstances. Mostly I have been reading and studying music theory. After thirty-five years of playing guitar I thought it might be good to learn more about what I have been doing. I find Western music to be strangely constricted in the way it is composed and notated and yet there is so much one can do within the system that it could take years to find one's way out. I'm a little behind with music--when compared with language, say.

I guess I have time to study. I keep thinking that I'm supposed to be doing something else, but I have always felt that way no matter what I was doing. It's that shoe-dropping thing.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
daisydumont
Apr. 28th, 2010 07:14 pm (UTC)
>I keep thinking that I'm supposed to be doing something else, but I have always felt that way no matter what I was doing.

if i understand that right, then i also feel like that a lot, as if i'm never doing the right thing, though i don't know who's the one who defines what's right, if not me. hmm.

i hope you do get your psychotherapy covered by the state. that'd be good.

>how hard should it be to get your parents to look you in the face?

that was probably a rhetorical question, but i'd still say not hard at all.

zoe_1418
Apr. 29th, 2010 04:29 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're here.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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