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waiting for the other bolt to strike.

I've been having trouble with twilight.

No not the, um, series? Whatever it is. Movie? I don't know I just hear people talk about it all the time. For some reason I just do not have what it takes to keep up with TV and film. Music I can do, and books and painting and drawing sorts of art, but not so big on the moving pictures. Dunno why.



I could probably open my window to dispel the problem tonight because it is cool outside and I am warm in here but I am trapped under a cat which is also helpful so for now I'm just going to let Jackson tell me that everything is ok.

The other night though it had been very hot during the day and I had slept through most of the heat and then decided to go out at twilight and the air was uncharacteristically still--no seabreeze and no northeast breeze that sometimes outblows the seabreeze and brings in the hot dry air. Just no breeze at all. And the light was just exactly like it is or was or I remember it being when in GA the storms would be so extreme that the streetlights came on and it looked like nighttime even though it was the middle of the day.

Oh geez. That subwoofer out there isn't helping. Do I open the window or put on clothes and step out where it is likely to be breezy?

I think that the tornadoes of my nightmares represent some sort of primary process or trauma that is unrepresentable because I can never bear to stand still and let them pass over or through me because I know that something unspeakably terrible lives inside of them and that if one were to engulf me I would suffer some sort of fate worse than death because it involves excruciating pain but I do not know what, exactly, it is. Even when I am dreaming lucidly I cannot stand up to them. I know they are not real and I know they cannot actually hurt me but then again I seem not to be able really to grasp that they are harmless phantasms.

Why would thunderstorms scare the living daylights out of me? So many people seem to like them. I'd rather deal with earthquakes, but then I've never been in one bigger than about 5.5. Course I've never been struck by lightning either and although I've lived through innumerable tornado warnings I've never seen one close up except on film or video. Which of course I often watch compulsively. I sort of want to go with a (very experienced) storm chaser sometime, but I would probably freak out at the crucial moments. I wonder if weather can be made as beautiful as flight is on klonopin.


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( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
daisydumont
Sep. 13th, 2010 02:37 pm (UTC)
>some sort of primary process or trauma that is unrepresentable

that makes a lot of sense to me. it's an archetype, or whatever, of uncontrollable fury and destruction. they scare me silly, too, as we've discussed, but i'm able to avoid thinking about them unless the wizard of oz is on. ahem.

klonopin must be for you what xanax can be for me. i tried ativan but didn't have the same peaced-out feeling. the doctor i recently ditched refused to Rx me some xanax to keep on hand for Just in Case. bitca. this new-old doctor said sure, just don't take too much. i love him.
daisydumont
Sep. 13th, 2010 02:40 pm (UTC)
p.s. i boycott Twilight, books and films. fannish folks' posts led me to think it's all about LDS mores and mating processes. not to say they're vampires, of course...
eriktrips
Sep. 13th, 2010 03:58 pm (UTC)
Interesting. I hadn't heard that angle--but I don't pay much attention, as I said. I usually see programs/films about 10-15 years after they are made, unless somebody forces me to sit down in front of a TV with them.
eriktrips
Sep. 13th, 2010 03:56 pm (UTC)
I was prescribed ativan many years ago and it did nothing at all. Didn't calm me down, wake me up, put me to sleep, make me feel loopy--nothing at all!

Xanax seems to be more universally effective. There must be things we don't know about how benzo's work. Imagine that!
nammu
Sep. 13th, 2010 06:21 pm (UTC)
I don't know the full story of your background, but was GA where you lived with your family of origin. Because there could be an association there...
eriktrips
Sep. 13th, 2010 08:10 pm (UTC)
Yeah I grew up in Marietta GA. I'm sure that all the weird shit they taught me is caught up in those phantom tornadoes too. It's bad enough they brought me to Baptist churches but weall had to move down to the heat, humidity, and thunder as well.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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