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vacation over

so I'm back. well I've been back since tuesday afternoon but I'm sort of officially awake and alive this morning after sleeping most of the day yesterday. I had a really nice time in Seattle and am somewhat conflicted about having come back here especially since my early childhood programming still has me moving "back to Seattle" at some imprecise point in the future and I'm not altogether sure why I stay here even though I can list a number of reasons and people that keep me here. in many ways San Francisco is a better place for me so far as social services and healthcare are concerned but my closest friends are still in Seattle. I need to find a way to connect more and better with my "best San Francisco friends" which are more or less everyone I have any regular contact with at all. I feel much more isolated here than up there and it is true that I have a readymade chosen family up there, but part of my chosen family is down here too. I just need to make it more plain to them that that is what they are.

which is difficult for me. in some ways it is more distressing for me to be around people I would like to be closer to than to be around people I don't care quite as much for, because I always reach a certain point where I find myself up against the wall of my own reticence and urge to reclusiveness. it was easier for me to make friends when I lived with lisagail because she did lots of the social work while I just sort of hung around and slowly became closer to the people we were hanging out with. when the burden is entirely on me, I panic. when I panic, I withdraw behind a facade of easygoing carelessness, or what I imagine comes off that way.

at least I have friends here. if not for them I'm not sure I'd stay, although I do think that my literary career, such as it might ever become, is more likely to go somewhere vaguely remunerative if I stay here.

so for the time being, this is where I am.

tomorrow I meet with Lyn to strategize on how to get my autobiography out there. it is not finished exactly but is lying around in bits and pieces all over the place and I'd like to know whether I should send out some of those pieces or if I should pull it all together into a manuscript and especially whether there would be any chance of getting an advance on it so that I could spend more time pulling it together and less time worrying about how to pay the rent.

I also need to look for writing/editing gigs. and teach myself Ruby in the meantime so that I can say I "know" it, in case the writing/editing gigs don't turn up and I must fall back on my geek skillz.

I also need to make some phone calls. =80

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
daisydumont
Aug. 21st, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC)
i sure understand the urge to reclusiveness, yessir. as for phone calls, aieeee...
astarrymist
Aug. 22nd, 2008 06:48 am (UTC)
Seattle and San Francisco are two places I'd love to be. I actually really want to move to Seattle one day. I've just always had the feeling I would love it there. I can imagine how it must feel to miss it though. If not for the people, for the place itself. I will always have an attachment to Colorado, my "home." I love the mountains, the rocky terrain, all the beautiful natural attractions. I think I have a really good excuse to go to San Francisco next year, too. I think I'd definitely enjoy a visit. I hope you do well there. It is a really helpful place to be.

Wow. I really resonate with every word you say here: "it is more distressing for me to be around people I would like to be closer to than to be around people I don't care quite as much for, because I always reach a certain point where I find myself up against the wall of my own reticence and urge to reclusiveness." And the panic. And the facade of easygoing carelessness. Oh dear. Sometimes I seem to progress a bit and open to the idea of increased intimacy, but that wall is always there—mocking me when I thought I could get past it but simultaneously surrounding me, ensconcing me in its cool comfort and becoming a substitution for the lover that might possibly exist on the outside of its boundaries, whispering soft words which convey its willingness to be a continued presence in my life. I really don't know how to get past that. In my own experience, it only happens when someone from the outside forces me out and holds me there. A rarity. So, uh, good luck to you on that. I do believe it's amazing that we can create families for ourselves, and if you have people there with you in SF who you want to be close to, that's an amazing gift. =)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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