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adjustments

so yeah I came back from Seattle. landed on Tuesday at about 2:30, an hour late, and somehow managed to take almost another two hours to come home between waiting at baggage claim and waiting for BART and hauling all my worldly possessions on my back from the BART station to home. four blocks. four San Francisco blocks. half a mile. I need to remember to weigh my packs so that I have some idea of just how much I keep asking myself to carry.

I had possibly a little too much fun up there because I'm somewhat depressed to be back to my life in its currently unemployed state although finding work shouldn't be as painful as it used to be since I can leverage the internet in all sorts of interesting ways but it's causing me a certain flashbacky anxiety to those days I had to put on a dress and knock on doors up and down whatever highway I had decided held my employment opportunities that time around. my god that was awful. and I'm having a difficult time remembering that I don't have to put on a dress and I don't have to knock on doors and I don't have to take a demeaning job that gets me up at 4:30 to pass breakfast sandwiches through the drive-through window to grumpy commuters on their way to work. sounds like such a stupid meaningless job but it was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I lasted two weeks. maybe less. any longer and the guns would have come out. I'm not sure whether I'd have shot them or me first.

I learn best from painful experiences. I don't know how the rest of you do it, but it seems that for imaginative material for envisioning future possibilities I go straight to the most traumatic memories possible. I mean, to the point of freaking out over them because they assume such larger-than-life proportions, as though the unfortunate ways in which I was compelled to construct life for myself the first time through were going to be the prototypes for everything from then on. carve out a trench in your neural patterns and good luck ever climbing out of it.

and if somebody else digs it, give up now.

I guess I have a topic for therapy. I mean, I had a topic. now I think I have material.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
fishmonkeytrip
Aug. 24th, 2008 02:10 am (UTC)
Human beings are special in that they possess the capacity to lift their own mind out of negativity.
eriktrips
Aug. 24th, 2008 04:24 am (UTC)
true, though it's not always an instantaneous operation. I've been working on bits and pieces as they arise for the last, I'd say, 25 years.
fishmonkeytrip
Aug. 24th, 2008 08:55 am (UTC)
The nature of lifting the mind is instantaneous, yes. You may be confusing lifting the mind with sustaining it.
eriktrips
Aug. 24th, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC)
get back to me when you've had a psychotic break and we'll talk more about things the mind can and cannot do.
fishmonkeytrip
Aug. 26th, 2008 09:40 am (UTC)
Why?
fishmonkeytrip
Aug. 30th, 2008 10:02 am (UTC)
hope this helps :)
"Once we take ourselves and the quality of our life seriously, and acknowledge the difficulties we may be experiencing, the next step is to have confidence that (1) it is possible to overcome them, (2) there is a way to accomplish this, and (3) we are capable of achieving it [Buddha-nature]. This bring us to the topics of refuge and Buddha-nature.

Taking refuge is not a passive act of placing ourselves in the hands of a higher power that will do everything for us, as the English word "refuge" might imply. It is an active process of putting a safe, reliable and positive direction in our life. That direction is indicated by the Buddhas, the Dharma and the Sangha--the Three Precious Gems. They are precious in the sense that they are both rare and valuable....

In short, the definitive level of the Three Precious Gems of Buddha, Dharma and Sangha presents the goal we would like to achieve. Their interpretable level indicates what we rely on, externally, to bring ourselves there. But we also have internal factors that we need to rely on as well. These refer to our Buddha-nature.

We are capable of eliminating our problems and achieving the definitive Three Precious Gems because everyone has Buddha-nature, namely the various factors or working materials that make it possible. Of all our natural resources, the most important is mind. We all have a mind which, in its nature, is unhampered by anything from experiencing whatever exists. No matter what happens--no matter how confused, stressed or unhappy we may be--we experience it. Even death is something that we experience when it occurs. Therefore, because we have a mind that allows us to experience whatever exists, we have the basic resource that allows us to experience a total absence of confusion and a utilization of all possible good qualities for helping others--provided that such a total absence and utilization actually exist. In other words, if we can establish that it is possible for these two things to exist--and that they are not just objects of nice but totally unrealistic wishes--we can be confident that we are capable of attaining them, simply because we have a mind."

--from The Gelug/Kagyu Tradition of Mahamudra by H.H. the Dalai Lama and Alexander Berzin, published by Snow Lion Publications
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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