it's hard to know what to do when you are up this early. I was listening to Brahm's German Requiem in my last dream before waking so I've put it on but it is difficult to listen to classical music in the middle of the night because of the immense changes in volume. I have to keep adjusting it so that I can hear it without waking anyone. I know I could use earphones but I like also being able to hear the silence outside of my room and with earphones it always sounds like the whole world is involved in your music. which can be kind of cool on its own but it's not what I want right now.
today I must somehow recover from the apparent shock of returning from the forest back to "civilization" especially this close to the election when everyone is fucking insane. everyone. I'm not even listening anymore. it's more than I can stand to pay attention to the whole back-and-forth bullshit of a campaign for office. when I was younger I hated politics and thought they were an unnecessary evil that needed to be done away with but of course that was before I really understood the meaning of "political" and now I realize that as a social species every fucking thing anyone of us does is a political act whether we like it or not but I still hate the democratic campaign process. all it ever does is remind me how untrustworthy the masses can be and how unless one knows what it is like to inhabit one fringe or another of society it is way too easy to assume that everyone is like you and should want the same things you do and if they don't/aren't then they are probably either criminal or insane. hell, some of us out on the fringes still assume that when we should know better.
ok that's as far down that road as I'm going. I just got up. might as well try to retain the caffeine-inspired optimism of morning a little longer.
I have work to do. I need to get in touch with my authors and to call someone about a possible new gig. of course everyone is sleeping now so I have some time to myself but there are probably things I should be doing with that time. I'm just not sure what they are and I'm so tired of making lists, crashing somewhere in the middle of them, and watching everything else on the list get pushed up another week. I have multiple to-do lists already running from here to the horizon of my own death, wherever it is located. why make another? perhaps I should just decide what to do today. even that can be risky. but one has to start somewhere I suppose.
get in touch with book people
call about website job--wait. first listen to phone message again and make sure I can and want to take it. remember to be clear about expectations. maybe it's too soon to worry about those but I need to keep them in mind.
go to therapy. first decide what to talk about in therapy. there's always way too much.
I think that's enough for one day. oh I should take out the recycling and do one more secret thing that's not that kind of secret so stop thinking dirty thoughts. I mean, feel free to think dirty thoughts but it's still not that kind of secret.
think dirty thoughts. eh. if I feel like it. it varies, you know, even on testosterone. all the other crap I take pretty much takes my sex drive out and gives it a good beating. or rather a bad beating--very much not the good kind. which is just as well since the idea of hooking up with anyone within the next ten years is still beyond anything I can comprehend.
there that will be too much. we'll see what all I get to. maybe do some writing. I have a blog post in mind but it keeps getting eclipsed by other crap. must work to keep crap from choking up my day. ok now we're back to politics so I guess this post is going in circles so I'll stop.