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maybe 11 hours of sleep will improve my worldview today. I couldn't think of what to say by the end of the day yesterday. sorry if my cryptic expletive was not very intelligible. I don't know if this happens to anyone else but sometimes I get to the point that I can't really even signal anyone for help I feel so distressed but I know that I should so I put up a flare sort of.

I was going to put up an end-of-the-world poll but making up the questions was upsetting me so I've stopped with that. but anyone who wants to tell me that in their opinion the world is not going to end within the year, I'd love to hear it.

seriously. something triggered my armaggedon voices over the weekend--well really they aren't voices anymore: just feelings of impending doom. maybe I should be taking some B vitamins. I am still hungry from backpacking and can't seem to get enough food in me.

that's about it I guess. I have no energy for poetic invocations this morning or afternoon I guess it is now. I think I should eat and go for a walk maybe and then look at some work-related stuff. it is difficult to explain to clients when I am taken offline like this that it's not me it's just this crap in my head that takes over and well..

I'll see if concentrating on something besides how I'm feeling is helpful. maybe try to study javascript some more. that could prove very helpful in the short term, actually.

::kicks the starter motor::


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 14th, 2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
i don't think the world is going to end in the next year. i don't expect it to end before i kick off, actually, sometime in the next 20 years. after i go, it's on its own.

hope eating (cereal? fish tacos?) and walking will help.
Oct. 14th, 2008 07:46 pm (UTC)
well good. I'm glad you are going to keep things straightened out while you're here. ;)

20 years? I bet you hang around at least a little longer than that.
Oct. 14th, 2008 07:50 pm (UTC)
oh listen, i'm on the case! :D

my sister and i were chatting the other day. she said something about not living much longer (she's 63, to my 57). i said i don't expect to live much longer either but reminded her that our dad always said he'd die young. he was in his mid-80s when he went out. you just never know. *g*
Oct. 14th, 2008 09:10 pm (UTC)
ok! if you have it under control I'm going to go for a walk. :)

I try not to prognosticate too much on how many years are left. I didn't expect to be alive at 46 but now I sort of expect to sail right into my 80s. but I don't want to count my birthdays before they've, um, "hatched." you never do know. especially since my body is a bit of a hormonal experiment, I really have no clue what to expect out of the next 30 years. or 20. or 40. or whatever.

in any case, moods like this steal the days away from me. I have to find a way to get them back.

Oct. 14th, 2008 07:51 pm (UTC)
A lot of people seem to be in this place right now. Yesterday, I was talking to my friend's husband, and he sounded really down about the whole economy and related mess.
Oct. 14th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
yeah I'm definitely picking up on the general vibe although really nothing has much affected my life yet except maybe the economic downturn but I'm getting by ok.

I'm trying not to pay attention to the news, but as halfmoon_mollie points out, it's like sticking your fingers in your ears at a Ramone's concert (that was my artistic interpretation of her words :) ).

thing is, we'll all get through this somehow. I know that's true but my apocalypse-now upbringing leaves me a little unmoored in times like these.
Oct. 14th, 2008 08:14 pm (UTC)
I don't know what media you pay attention to but how can you HELP but be that way right now? I mean, all the voices come at you saying (last week, anyway) the Dow is down down down, the stock market is lower than it has ever been, the sky is falling the sky is falling.

Not that I mean to minimize what's going on, because I don't. But your feelings of panic and anxiety are understandable, believe me. Back in the old days when we only hear the news once (or maybe twice) an hour, it was easier to digest. But this is like standing at a very loud concert - there just doesn't seem to be a way of getting away from it. Put your fingers in your ears and it still blasts you. So then you have people running around screaming 'the sky is falling' and enough people hear and agree and then...well.

I don't think the world is going to end either. I'm the same age as daisydumont and I do believe that things are going to change. Hopefully for the better. After all, one of the presidential candidates has stopped calling the other one bad names...

Oct. 14th, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC)
thanks. yeah I think things have to change, but part of me is convinced that they will keep getting worse--whatever that means. I mean, I'm doing ok in a material sense and I live in a big city with friends and a fair amount of social safety netting underlying me. but having been brought up to believe that I was going to be Left Behind at any moment reverberates uncomfortably with all that is being forecast and lamented now. when I was a kid I was led to believe that a fate worse than death was waiting for me right around the corner.

so it's kind of like my superego is reading the news and smiling smugly at me saying see? you'll get yours. just wait.

I think I have Election-Year Affective Disorder. I wonder if there are lightballot boxes for that?
Oct. 14th, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)
I didn't recognize the flare for what it was, sorry. The world will not end. It has been here a very long time. I know you don't mean the actual planet though. I don't even think things will change all that drastically in the immediate future, although it is better for me to not think about what may happen after that. I think I'm coping by imagining that we are in a Philip K Dick-like dystopia, and we will be kind of ok even if somewhat twisted.
This weekend I made a big pot of 15-bean soup, and it was (and is) very good. I think the process of cooking cheap food helps the illusion that I can take care of myself.

p.s. do not tell clients about these feelings. say you have a cold.
Oct. 14th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)
a cold. yes. good idea. I might just go back to bed for added realism.

we are an adaptive species, for sure; things have been bad in various ways from the very beginning and yet here we are, and not even in a great deal of material distress.

in some ways I do actually fear for the whole planet. the whole end-of-the-world sequence that I was taught pretty much has us totaling the place and then all the fundamentalist christians get a new earth to exploit while the rest of us burn forever. I mean, it's absurd and completely wrong, but being brought up with this myth makes it stick with you in general outline even if not in exact detail.

I need to find a distraction. I could sleep the rest of the afternoon and then go for a long midnight walk. that could feel nice.
Oct. 14th, 2008 10:58 pm (UTC)
Hey, sorry I missed the flare, too. Just all wrapped up in my thing. I hope this evening you've found your distraction.

Oct. 15th, 2008 05:49 pm (UTC)
i saw your flare, but late. i was too busy in the midst of my own flare up of monstrous proportions. i'm still not great, but i don't think the world will end in the next year. nothing is certain but uncertainty, but still. there's a pattern going.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )


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