so tomorrow then. every morning this week I've had someplace else to be. who knew I was so busy? of course, doing therapy 2-3 times a week and usually in the morning complicates efforts to do other things. right now I'm in a cycle where I sleep from sometime between 6am and noon to around 9pm and then stay up all night and into the next morning but it varies greatly how far into the morning I can go. today I went to bed at 11:15 and slept till 8:45pm so I just got out of bed. it is interesting going to bed in the middle of the day and getting up after dark. I like it, but having to run all my errands when I am ready to go to bed is a little painful sometimes.
I'm taking my weekend early this week just because. I had to blow through a mountain of anxiety to start writing the ghostwritten book and doing that all by itself was exhausting. nevermind the writing itself--it's the anxiety that is the hardest obstacle to getting it done. I can usually take one klonopin without falling asleep but if I am really freaking out one won't do the trick. the other night I took two, fell asleep for a couple of hours, then woke up feeling very calm and so wrote five pages. not a bad way to go about it I guess.
mostly I'm doing ok but still frustrated about not getting to my own writing. I keep thinking that I should either assign days to work on my own stuff while ghostwriting or just get finished with the job as quickly as possible and then rely on the income from that for a little breather from working for other people. I need a benefactor and/or a grant writer. I began researching grants awhile ago and it quickly became overwhelming. so many but all with very specific stipulations, so that sifting through them can be a very disheartening process. no I'm not published yet. no I did not receive a Mellon fellowship in grad school. no I've not yet had my degree for two years. no I'm not regular faculty anywhere. it just goes on: why it is that foundations are so particular with their money I really am at a loss to explain. I can see wanting to target underfunded or underserved populations, but when I see money reserved for people who have managed to occupy some position in an arbitrary heirarchy I start to twitch. aren't those folks catered to enough? is it not possible that someone without tenure might deserve a break and be able to produce quality work?
nothing is worse than a meritocracy that rewards ambition and ruthlessness more often than it rewards actual merit.
ok I should think of something fun to do tonight. it's "sunday." I guess I can't go to the zoo unless I want to be arrested for trespassing. I could go for a drive. in fact I've been thinking lately that one night I should take a city carshare car out somewhere away from city lights, if that is at all possible within a couple hours' drive. a tripod and long exposure times will show things up in the sky that the eye can't actually see, or at least not anymore. I'd like to get a look at the milky way sometime. I can't say I've ever really seen it. I don't know how far I'd have to drive to be able to take a picture of it that revealed anything. I'm not sure of the best time of year to go looking for it either.. so much I don't know!
in any case it's cloudy and rainy tonight so I'd really have to drive for a good long time--like maybe to death valley or further inland. don't think I could get there and back in one night although when you put me in a car almost anything is possible.
ok I'm going to read what you all have written now.