Erik (eriktrips) wrote,

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letter from the other side

imagine my surprise this morning when I finished editing a paper, closed the file, looked at the directory it was in and NO! that was tomorrow's paper! seriously? really? yup. today's paper sat, untouched, in the folder marked '05 23'.

thus I have now finished tomorrow's editing work too. I think now I will play a little bass and then go to bed. I need some proteinaceous food but I don't feel like going to get it. my shot is due tomorrow. maybe I should do it today. my psychiatrist got inordinately bothered by the fact that I take my shot either on the 7th day or the 8th day, depending on how I feel. why not standardize it? why standardize it? my body doesn't watch the calendar; it poops out whenever it's out of gas.

hi. I'm still here, doing whatever. nothing much has changed. I did have to go after that bogus charge on my debit card, which the bank just said was "a mistake" and now I have not only that money but a little bit of other money as well, so now I need to catch up on a couple of debts. not that I have much leftover after June rent. in July I think I have to pay for my webhosting. I'd better edit night and day.

I don't know where we were last we spoke. Nan is back from Peru and it seems that I cannot continue to see her twice a week on credit unless the second meeting is absolutely necessary, which with me happens with alarming regularity. I am trying to score supplementary therapy through the public health dept, but they are being a bit parsimonious about letting me get therapy on the public dollar when I have some therapy already. I tried to explain to them why I am a special snowflake who needs a great deal of therapy and can afford none, but in the end I just referred them to Nan, who will hopefully be able to persuade them that I am indeed worth the cost. I am still seeing her once a week on credit, but both of us would like for there to be some other means of support unless and until I stabilize, well, everything about my life.

I still have a website to finish building and I still freeze up every time I try to work on it but I have to get something up for them to see by Tuesday. I've decided to just hack away at it and if I can do it great and if I can't I will plead insanity. seriously. insanity. it can be your friend sometimes except for when it is really really annoying. but so this morning I was going to switch from editing to website building when I realized I still had a paper to edit. and what was worse? this paper was actually two papers. I finished the first with relief, as it was badly written, and thought "phew." but I did wonder why the scroll bar was indicating more "paper" beyond even the figure captions, so I scrolled on down and-- another fracking paper! ugh ugh hit head on desk repeatedly. well, the second paper was written by someone else whose english was much better than the first writer's, so it didn't take too long. they were both in veterinary medicine though, which I know some of the terminology for but I end up googling a lot for spelling of really complex medical constructions. I don't know if it is worth my time to keep doing this kind of paper but I am hoping to learn as I go so that I can stop googling.

wow. I need sleep. I can't remember which one of you pointed me at the polyphasic sleep blog, but I'm trying some sleeping techniques it suggests and wouldn't you know it but the powernap really works if you can relax enough in 20-30 minutes to make it into REM sleep. which I can now that I am old and can fall asleep anywhere anytime. I tip my chair back, turn my DockTimer to 30:00, and snooze. when I wake up I might have a cup of coffee or not depending on the hour, but I've been doing things like pushups and squats and jogging in place just long enough to wake myself up and oddly it is every bit as refreshing--if not more--than a five-hour nap.

anyway the blog talks about a polyphasic sleep pattern that consists of a core sleep of about four hours a night/day and 20-30-minute naps every four hours for the rest of the day. I don't know that I will actually try to get by on only four hours of sleepy sleep, but the 30-minute nap is a nice surprising find. I am going to try to cut back on how much I sleep during my "core" sleep, though. this blogger reports feeling much more energetic when sleeping on this schedule than when sleeping a full night, whatever that means to her. for me you know it can vary from six to ten to even twelve hours. I'm thinking if I sleep at least five hours a night and take four 30-minute naps--or take one when I'm sleepy but it is not yet "bedtime"--I just might squeeze another couple of hours out of the day.

to sit around and be anxious in. no, I find ways to fill the time. I only get anxious when, well, when just about anything happens but when I sit in my room and just do stuff nothing happens. I swear it almost works that way for me.

this is weird. I've been in a bad funk for a while but right now I feel really good. ::eyes his pills:: which one of you have I forgotten to take? I feel a nap coming on and one is scheduled for around noon so I'll shut up here in a sec. if this sleep technique is making me feel this good the day before my shot, well. or I suppose it could be the increase in both prozac and zyprexa. I never change just one variable at a time. life is too short to be scientific. is addictive. it's like making mix tapes every day with a whole internet's-worth of music to choose from. in some ways that makes it too hard; I have to consult my itunes library fairly often to get my bearings. if only I knew the names of some of those tunes that have been going through my head since I heard them on AM radio when I was four!

oh! I should search "cher." :)

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