so that is why I am in a bit of a daze this afternoon. I am about to drink a second cup of coffee, which will either send me back to sleep, because that happens sometimes, or it will make me feel like dancing.
which I might do or I might just go to the store and get food as I am out of almost everything. I have plenty of cereal but nothing to put on it. I have no dinner food. no snack food. I have water for which I am thankful because I woke up with my mouth wide open and very very dry.
teaching was exhausting this week. I hope it gets easier. the actual teaching part is not so bad but the amount of social energy I have to muster just to be able to perform is tremendous. this isn't so different from before except that instead of worrying about getting caught not knowing something, I just don't want to stand in front of people and perform on demand. I'm ok performing when I choose to perform, but that happens about three times a year on average. sometimes I will go for a run of several weeks at open mics but I haven't been to one in over a year. with a book coming out, I think I should probably try that horse again but the energy is very difficult to call up. at least open mics are only five minutes. that's a little different from teaching for three hours or reading on the street for four.
and here I'm thinking that learning my guitar scales might enable me to busk musically for emergency cash. yeah I dunno.
I was about as low as I could be after class last night. I was trying not to cry on the bus but I think it was mainly exhaustion. I need to find ways to get on a more even rhythm this semester as the relief right after class against the panic right before are so greatly contrasted that I can hardly believe I'm doing what I'm doing. I feel like something has shifted in the two years since I last taught but it's subtle and may partially be just that I need to get used to the idea again.
or something. I'm too groggy to say more now. I'd be happy to sleep the afternoon and get up tonight and then stay up for hours.