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..and confused

so I made it through my second day of teaching yesterday, came home and passed out for twelve hours. I fell asleep in my chair and at some point managed to get out the chair, strap my ipod to my arm and put in my sleeping earphones (small profile—relatively comfortable to sleep with one ear on pillow) and crawl up to my bed but I only barely remember doing that. the next thing I know I'm waking up and it is light out and my watch says "9:54" and for a second I can't figure out whether it is day or night and whether I'd been in bed for an hour or ten. turns out I slept almost 12 hours last night.

so that is why I am in a bit of a daze this afternoon. I am about to drink a second cup of coffee, which will either send me back to sleep, because that happens sometimes, or it will make me feel like dancing.

which I might do or I might just go to the store and get food as I am out of almost everything. I have plenty of cereal but nothing to put on it. I have no dinner food. no snack food. I have water for which I am thankful because I woke up with my mouth wide open and very very dry.

teaching was exhausting this week. I hope it gets easier. the actual teaching part is not so bad but the amount of social energy I have to muster just to be able to perform is tremendous. this isn't so different from before except that instead of worrying about getting caught not knowing something, I just don't want to stand in front of people and perform on demand. I'm ok performing when I choose to perform, but that happens about three times a year on average. sometimes I will go for a run of several weeks at open mics but I haven't been to one in over a year. with a book coming out, I think I should probably try that horse again but the energy is very difficult to call up. at least open mics are only five minutes. that's a little different from teaching for three hours or reading on the street for four.

and here I'm thinking that learning my guitar scales might enable me to busk musically for emergency cash. yeah I dunno.

I was about as low as I could be after class last night. I was trying not to cry on the bus but I think it was mainly exhaustion. I need to find ways to get on a more even rhythm this semester as the relief right after class against the panic right before are so greatly contrasted that I can hardly believe I'm doing what I'm doing. I feel like something has shifted in the two years since I last taught but it's subtle and may partially be just that I need to get used to the idea again.

or something. I'm too groggy to say more now. I'd be happy to sleep the afternoon and get up tonight and then stay up for hours.

happy friday.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 11th, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC)
Oh hey there.
Do you ever try to arrange much "sandwiching" of big blocks of quiet times around your active times?
i.e., on the days of the evenings you teach, you don't have to go anywhere else, can lay low at home.
I know it's not always easy, but it's been crucial to my own survival of dealing with socializing when needed.
Oh and eating well and nutrious is important also.
(You can feel free to slap me if I sound too much like a nagging mother, ha!)
(Also, it really took all the way till Thursday for me to feel better/have some energy after last Saturday evenings' reception. And a few days in there it was a bit depressed.)
Sep. 11th, 2009 09:29 pm (UTC)
oh I definitely sandwich quiet time around social time. in fact my life is pretty much set up as long periods of quiet punctuated by short periods of sociability and panic. :) at the moment I have two jobs and one I do from my room alone in the middle of the night. very convenient.

I try to eat well. I'm on the typical AS mono-diet, but the cereal I have for breakfast every day is low sugar and high fiber and the burritos I eat for dinner are vegetarian and usually relatively low-fat for cheese-containing foods. I know I don't get enough fresh fruits and vegetables but I don't cook for myself, don't like raw vegetables, and only buy fruit when I'm going to eat it all immediately; otherwise the mood will pass and it will rot.

anyway. you didn't ask for a list of what I ate but of course it was the only way I could think of to answer your suggestion. :)

yeah the length of recovery is precisely why teaching and I are in constant battle. I can do it if I teach one class that meets once a week, but that's still a stretch. academia is no refuge for the socially reticent; regular faculty have to teach 3-4 classes per term. I'd be suicidal.
Sep. 11th, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you made it through the second week of teaching. Hope you've gotten some food by now!
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


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