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Ain't been writing here, have I?

It's been a cyclical sort of month. Lots of intense geekitude in which I sit for hours trying to put together a linux server out of an old windoze machine and/or reading about how to make servers and programs and websites and shit on my old PowerBook, which is also outfitted with Ubuntu now. Of the two old windoze boxes I put Ubuntu on one and CentOS on the other to try to learn very quickly how to administer a server from under your bed.

My bed is five feet in the air, in case you didn't know. Lots of stuff fits under it. Even me, but I can't stand up completely straight or I will bonk my head. But that is ok; I sit on my little Ikea tractor stool and compute while I am under there. About two years ago I bought some white and blue xmas lights because they are my favorite color in holiday lights. I finally got around to hanging them under my loft last month. Now I turn them on every night for festivity. Light fascinates me and I could stare at them for hours if I weren't so busy staring at one of three computer screens. In case you've lost count, two boxes share a monitor because I cannot really afford a nice new big one.

But so when I am not geeking out I am sitting in my chair hating everything. It seems that if I do not get myself engrossed in something by about the fourth hour of consciousness I spend the rest of my very long day in a foul and nasty mood. I have some ideas why that is but I'm not going to go into it in great detail. Grandma dying and my mom telling me I would finally have peace if I just "came back to the Lord" have both put me in a funk that seems to observe an inexact periodicity. I have thought about writing to tell her exactly why "the Lord" is the last place I would find peace because she has no idea what really happened to me. I think she thinks that queerdom, drugs, rock and roll and possibly sex (of which I haven't had any with anyone else in over twelve years, but she doesn't know that) have dragged me down into some miserable gutter but no actually the miserable gutter is filled with Sunday school teachers and preachers' voices. The queerdom and drugs treat me rather well, actually.

I dunno what I'm going to do about her. It seems I have to do something because she won't go away all on her own like I'd like her to. Then I wouldn't have to be the bad child who repudiates his parents. But I might have to take the plunge.

Today though I did something sort of productive. I remixed that song that I've been working on for, like, six months now. I kept meaning to get back to it but I knew it would take hours and it's not that I don't enjoy it but I get in this indecisive place where I cannot figure out what to hyperfocus on and I am afraid to choose one thing because I think maybe I should (why "should"? Absolutely no reason.) be doing one of the other things, the things I didn't choose. This can paralyze me for half a day or more.

I have links, though, and I hope they work.

One is for the mp3 version of the Sparkle Motion remix of I Remember Will and the other is for the .flac version of the same. .flac is a lossless file format but so is uncompressed and might clog up your innertubes while you download it but if you like to hear everything you can play .flac files with the VLC media player. Otherwise just listen to the .mp3 like everyone else does.

I think it sounds better then the old mixes but it is hard to tell right after finishing it. I will put it on my ipod and walk around listening to it for a few days before I decide whether to tell everyone no no no don't download it it sounds awful.

Yeah. I guess that's about all for now. I have a blog post percolating in me but I haven't gotten quite wound up enough to spew it out but I need to do it soon while there is still time not to elect religious zealots to office. So you can probably guess how it will go.

Third edit. Bunked this one up good.

This entry was composed @Dreamwidth.
Feel free to comment either here or there.

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( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 27th, 2010 11:01 am (UTC)
ted was using ubuntu for computer science courses at school last year. he'd go incommunicado while on it, dunno why.

religious zealots give me the creeps. i'll wait for that blog post.

you were listening to snow patrol! my gary lightbody icon is at my other lj, alas, and i'm too lazy to grab it right now.
Sep. 27th, 2010 12:25 pm (UTC)
I've been listening to Snow Patrol since long before anyone knew who they were! Songs for Polar Bears was the first CD of theirs that I bought. I like the music a lot but sometimes feel embarrassed about the lyrics. But I'm not the one singing them, so why should I feel bad?

Ubuntu seems to be not so much an OS that one uses as an OS that one studies. I don't know about Ted, but I am pretty sure that after learning Linux I'll have to become an engineer. I mean. A dilettante engineer. Not a real one. Ted will probably become a real one.
Sep. 27th, 2010 02:41 pm (UTC)
Hi there. Really glad to see you, and especially to catch this post on my first visit back to LJ in a couple weeks (it seems, anyway). I worry that people will assume I've gone away, but I really haven't.

Hoo boy, about your mother. (And here's the old joke, "If it isn't one thing, it's your mother!" ;-) I'm so sorry. Reading about these tribulations (yeah, we can use the religious lingo for our own purposes! ;-) makes me realize how very fortunate I am. I have the fundie background in spades as well, but somehow my family has turned out to be able to follow their truest hearts, which turn out to be loving above all, rather than their ideologies when it comes to me and my life. It took longer for some of them (M and I have recently had "the big talks" with the bro and sis-in-law from Seattle, and they're not perfect but they seem to be genuinely remorseful for the harm they caused in the past, even if they don't fully get it about just what all that harm was).

If I could give you anything it would be a do-over of family love and support for who you are. And Zoe -- if Zoe could be cloned, because I'll never give her up, but I wish I could share her with you in some way!

Go, geekitude! I understand very little, but at least I've heard the terms Ubuntu, Linux, and "server." :-)

Peace and love and hugs,
Sep. 27th, 2010 11:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks, J. I really do appreciate your comments. I still read LJ almost every day myself, even though I post maybe once a week now.

I think I probably already have a couple of little cousins of Zoe's, because Jackson and Santiago are the lights of my life. Well, two of the brightest ones at least. I wish I could clone Santiago and pass him around because there is no way I'd ever part from him voluntarily. Jackson either, but he is so shy that any clones would probably refuse to leave my room. :)

The thing that is confusing about my mom is that she claims to love me, but she will not look at a picture of me, use my name, or acknowledge in any way who I have become, and so I feel like she thinks she loves me but actually she must love an idealized version of the me she thought she used to know but never really did all that well. I mean, there were some things she understood, but much of what I find beautiful she finds unbearable and even evil or sick.

So. I don't know. Part of me feels like I do not have the right to refuse to communicate with her if she uses the word "love" but most of me feels like she has no idea who I am or how my life really is and so I don't understand how this love can be aimed at me, the real me (which, philosophically, I don't really believe in, but it will do as a metaphor here). In some ways it's like she's cheating, saying she loves me while not knowing me or understanding what really matters to me.

And this is where I come back to the family as gum stuck on your shoe analogy. You can scrape and scrape, but it will never all come off.


Anyway. I probably should resist the urge to tell you all about Linux. As much as I hated teaching I am still addicted to explaining things. I'll just say this: Mac OS X is built on top of a unix infrastructure and linux is, by most accounts, a variation on unix. Dunno if you've used a Mac, but it is sort of a unix with training wheels. I built my first webserver on my old PowerBook after OS X was introduced. It only served pages to the network in my room, but I learned a lot--my other addiction. In another life I am a successful engineer, but in this life I let my artist side run my life too much to be a real programmer.

Give Zoe an ear skritch for me. :)
Sep. 28th, 2010 03:07 pm (UTC)
Just gave Zoe that ear skritch and told her it was from you. She rolled over lazily and said, "Don't stop!"

I've touched a Mac but never truly used one. I came into computer usage via DOS, and it made so much simple sense to me. I was dragged kicking and screaming into Windows in the early 90s. I also have discovered that some of my friends who started out on a Mac -- and who don't really know anything about computers -- have trouble understanding the concept of file directories and how to save files in places that make sense.

I think you could be some sort of combo of teacher/engineer, entirely online and part-time!

Sep. 28th, 2010 03:11 pm (UTC)
BTW, I in NO way intended to imply that those friends don't know anything about computers BECAUSE they started on a Mac -- I just meant -- those who didn't understand computers AND started on a Mac...
Sep. 28th, 2010 03:11 pm (UTC)
And, not that I understand computers either...!
Sep. 28th, 2010 10:25 pm (UTC)

Actually, I'd say that, especially before OS X, Macs made it easy not to really understand what you computer was doing. There was no underlying command line interface for the original Mac OS--but there were windows with folders, and I've always thought of directory structures visually, so to me a GUI and a command line are just two different ways of navigating the same thing.

But I am also insatiably curious and will try to figure out how everything works if given the time and space to do so. I used to take my watches apart--but then be unable to put them back together. I've gotten much better with computers, though. They are made to be taken apart occasionally. :)
Sep. 29th, 2010 10:05 am (UTC)
Are you still going to have that book party?

Also, in time, maybe October we can get together in person. I have had extreme issues with lunatic roommates and with money (worse issues with money in years), but I do have a job coming up soon, my old Sales Runner gig so I am hoping that will perk things up. Once that happens and I feel more stabilized I am buying a copy of your book from you! And, want an autograph poet!

Any way, I understand more than you might realize about the hyper-focus and trying to decide what to focus on and so on. I am struggling to make my days productive of creative pursuits but some are better than others.

I am so inspired by you making music!
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )


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