I forgot to shave my head this morning. That is, I buzzed it with the clippers but then I hopped into the shower prematurely, before I had managed to get the razor out to finish up. By the time I realized what I had done I was wet and naked and lathered up so I've got a clipper cut instead of a close shave.
What is not so ok is that I started to feel very anxious upon getting in the shower. I did fine while actually showering but when I was done and got back into my room I had that uncanny feeling that there was nobody else in the entire world awake or moving so I tuned my internet radio to KEXP to hear about Seattle's morning. It would have been more helpful if they had played music that was not annoying but it did give me someone to talk to, or listen to.
Still I kept feeling anxious for no particular reason. I had taken half a klonopin by this time and decided to take the other half, put my feet up and read to see if it put me back to sleep. Sometimes you just have to give up on a given start to the day and reboot.
I was dreaming rather furiously that I was sleeping in a cold, wet bed, water seeping up through the floor, when the mail carrier rang the doorbell and I woke up enough to go bundling down the stairs without falling.
Now I am up. I think I am ok but one never knows, really. I see Nan later so maybe I just felt we needed something to talk about.
Before I napped I first picked up a volume of the Complete Peanuts, of which I have several of the early years, but reading peanuts unfortunately reminded me of being young at home and when I am having an anxiety attack that is usually the last thing I want to remind myself of. So I put it down and closed my eyes.
Three hours later the doorbell rings.
So now I have to decide whether coffee is indicated. It can exacerbate anxiety but it can also paradoxically make it better because it gives me such a nice lift. Not enough to feel the love really but enough to feel the like at least.
I'm going to risk it.
I've slept 15 hours since yesterday afternoon. By all rights I should be awake until at least sunrise tomorrow.