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goodbye to a steady friend

Jackson left this life at about 17:15 this evening. Sometimes euthanasia is not as smooth as we would like it to be but he slipped away quietly and without protest. He seemed very uncomfortable this afternoon and I could not bear to make him wait through the weekend if he was not feeling well. It's hard because they cannot tell you what is going on except with extremely subtle signs and I never really know if I am reading them right but after thousands of animals and thousands of goodbyes I have to trust myself with at least this one thing.

I met a different vet this evening as Dr Press only works Thursday mornings but the vet who handled him was very kind and gentle with him.

I did not want to walk away and leave him there even after he was already gone himself. But there are not many places to bury a cat in the city so I let them take care of his remains. I took a bit of fur from that soft spot behind his ears; I'll keep that with me until I myself find it necessary to join him.

I still do not understand what happens when they die. His body was warm and I was able to shut his eyes but I sometimes think that the transition from life to back into the elemental swirl that gives rise to us is a process of some sort but not one that it is possible to know. I have a candle burning for him in case light is useful for him. Or for the rest of us.

This entry was composed @Dreamwidth.
Feel free to comment either here or there.

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( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 21st, 2011 05:20 am (UTC)
I know it's so hard right now. I went thru it 3 weeks ago. I couldn't stand to see him suffer. Maybe he will meet Phoenix on the other side. I'm still mourning his death and I'm sure I will always miss him. I wonder where he went and if he can see me. It's shaken up my beliefs a lot.
I hope you're ok and know that Jackson is basking in the light right now.
Jan. 21st, 2011 06:31 am (UTC)
One of my cats died of cancer just two days after I came back to Canada after visiting my family in California during the holidays. I can't believe how I bawled over him. So I can definitely sympathize with you right now. :-(
Jan. 21st, 2011 09:33 am (UTC)
sending out some more condolences -- and light your way and his --
Jan. 21st, 2011 12:42 pm (UTC)
So sorry Erik, I had to let my beagle go this last fall.
It tears the heart so to let them go.

{{{{E}}}}} may a still, calm heart be yours.
Jan. 21st, 2011 12:45 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry that it was time for your kitty to go.
Jan. 21st, 2011 12:54 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for your loss. He was a true friend.
Jan. 21st, 2011 01:14 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry Erik. Jackson had a good long life. I know this is hard.
Jan. 21st, 2011 02:48 pm (UTC)
deepest sympathies. i've been thinking about jackson since last evening, missing him from afar. he was a dear soul. i like the thought of your taking fur from behind his ear and keeping it with you. i can think of cats we had when i was a child and still love them, so though i hold no concrete dogma about an afterlife, i don't think love ever dies.
Jan. 21st, 2011 06:00 pm (UTC)
the decision I had to make to let my Charlie kitty go was the hardest one I ever had to make. I know it was for you, too. we know going in to this that we'll outlive our furbabies, but that doesn't make it any easier when we're faced with the reality of that. Much, much love to you and Santiago today.
Jan. 21st, 2011 09:21 pm (UTC)
I'm tearing up reading this. I think the candle will help us AND him...

Peace and love and courage.
Jan. 21st, 2011 10:11 pm (UTC)
I am sorry, Eric. Your Jackson had a good companion in you, I'm sure.
Jan. 21st, 2011 10:11 pm (UTC)
I hope you are ok.
Jan. 22nd, 2011 03:49 am (UTC)
Oh, Erik. I'm so very saddened to read this. I was so fond of Jackson, and I truly feel that he was very, very lucky to have you in his life. He will be missed. I can't really put into words how sorry I am.
Jan. 22nd, 2011 05:50 pm (UTC)
Poor Erik. I'm really glad you had each other.
Jan. 24th, 2011 02:22 am (UTC)
(sends sympathies)
Jan. 25th, 2011 12:07 am (UTC)
I'm so deeply sorry to read about Jackson. And so deeply moved by what you've written here. God, my heart just goes out to you. There are no words...
Jan. 26th, 2011 08:04 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry!

I like the last line.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )


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