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sixty hours

This gets no easier. Although the images of his last few minutes have faded in intensity, I am now trying to move through shock and guilt. All the many alternatives my head is dreaming up in spite of two vets' saying that we were up against something that was not going to be easily treatable--just because my head is devious and knows all the angles and can come up with as many scenarios as are necessary to outstrip any that I have already considered and realized were just as unrealistic as the last six.

He arrived at the vet covered in urine but with a full bladder. He had been leaking gallons of the stuff for days. If it was true his bladder was not empty all that time then there is a reason he was not emptying it and because he was already on the special food and because the last U/A showed no signs of crystals or stones then either he was having neurological problems or needed a very expensive surgery that would have been enormously risky given his age--and I would not have put him through that either.

But you see what sort of mental trapdoors I am springing for myself. I have to carefully debunk every single one because it is the only thing the executioner's panel (that would be my own, not his) actually will accept as valid exemption from their condemnation.

And perhaps I could have started expressing his bladder for him but he would not have liked that and we are still talking about a situation in which his quality of life would decline and he especially was a cat that felt harassed by the air and so I never did more messing with him than was absolutely necessary. He'd have hated to be made to pee over the sink while in my arms.

I slept most of the last 24 hours but could use conversation today. I am going to Philz in a minute. Will have internet-capable devices.

This entry was composed @Dreamwidth.
Feel free to comment either here or there.

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( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 23rd, 2011 03:36 pm (UTC)
i think to myself very often, in many contexts, "there are much worse things than death." it sounds like jackson might have agreed. i think (for what it's worth) that you did the right thing at the right time, and i hope your internal jury acquits you soon.
Jan. 23rd, 2011 05:15 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Vicki. I hope they relent soon as well. I am not surprised that they are doing what they do so well but I still get tired of them more easily than I once did.

Jackson was ailing. It seems hard to remember that because he was healthy, relatively, for a very long time.
Jan. 23rd, 2011 07:31 pm (UTC)
We felt like this after we put TC down for a long time. I felt especially guilty because she was my husband's cat, and I was the one telling him that the cat's quality of life was causing stress in our relationship.
Jan. 23rd, 2011 08:33 pm (UTC)
Having been through pretty much the same thing with my kitties, for what my opinion is worth, I am sure you have done the right thing. Thinking of you, take care.
Jan. 23rd, 2011 09:40 pm (UTC)
I know for sure you did the right thing, made the right decision. I do know how you feel, though. Every situation is different, and you knew Jackson best and did right for him.
Jan. 24th, 2011 03:17 am (UTC)
I found the quality of life discussion enormously helpful in making the decision for my kitty in July. I believe quality of life - such as living with freedom, pleasure, and dignity - is far more important that just living. I'm certain that you did the right thing for your friend.
Jan. 24th, 2011 03:18 am (UTC)
...that was me.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )


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