Erik (eriktrips) wrote,

sixty hours

This gets no easier. Although the images of his last few minutes have faded in intensity, I am now trying to move through shock and guilt. All the many alternatives my head is dreaming up in spite of two vets' saying that we were up against something that was not going to be easily treatable--just because my head is devious and knows all the angles and can come up with as many scenarios as are necessary to outstrip any that I have already considered and realized were just as unrealistic as the last six.

He arrived at the vet covered in urine but with a full bladder. He had been leaking gallons of the stuff for days. If it was true his bladder was not empty all that time then there is a reason he was not emptying it and because he was already on the special food and because the last U/A showed no signs of crystals or stones then either he was having neurological problems or needed a very expensive surgery that would have been enormously risky given his age--and I would not have put him through that either.

But you see what sort of mental trapdoors I am springing for myself. I have to carefully debunk every single one because it is the only thing the executioner's panel (that would be my own, not his) actually will accept as valid exemption from their condemnation.

And perhaps I could have started expressing his bladder for him but he would not have liked that and we are still talking about a situation in which his quality of life would decline and he especially was a cat that felt harassed by the air and so I never did more messing with him than was absolutely necessary. He'd have hated to be made to pee over the sink while in my arms.

I slept most of the last 24 hours but could use conversation today. I am going to Philz in a minute. Will have internet-capable devices.

This entry was composed @Dreamwidth.
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Tags: cats, death, jackson

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