Erik (eriktrips) wrote,

lost week

On Monday my sleeping cycle was disrupted by two appointments one of which I needed to be asleep during to make my day and night the right length. It did not matter which one--they were at opposite ends of the day but unfortunately I had to be awake for both of them. I have not gotten my circadian rhythm back on track yet although it is looking like I might be able to rack up a good 12-13 hour sleep later on this morning so maybe I can get reset.

I have been taking shortish naps of three to five hours and then not being able to get back to sleep. Even though I am not drinking more than a cup of coffee every 24 hours I have been having trouble staying asleep for a full complement of rest and so I am up for seven hours then asleep for five then up for eight hours and asleep for three and on it goes in completely irregular chunks.

It does not help that I have been experiencing mad rushes of anxiety while awake. The outside stimulus is not something I want to explain in depth but I will point out that my bedroom window is on the front of the building which is being repainted by the world's slowest and most annoyingly noisy painter. He's been working a month already. Not painting the other three sides; just the front. I have no idea what is taking so long.

There are other things going on too and some of them are not even particularly tangible but In any case daytime here has become so stressful that I think I am going to drop into adrenal exhaustion at any moment. I would leave the house but I have no place else I really want to be. What I want is to be able to work in peace and quiet without constant reminders that we are not being left alone.

I do think I might have a riff for the next poetry video. Today I came up with the bright idea of creating a Kickstarter project to campaign for funds for improved hardware so that I am not constantly worried that my computer is going to die in the middle of editing a video. I already applied and they have approved my project so now all I have to do is describe it and then promote the living hell out of it. I don't know if I will succeed but it is worth a try although I am not sure what Social Security will say if I raise money for myself while disabled but we will cross that bridge should it ever approach more closely than the distant horizon.

I have been taking my full allotment of Klonopin most days this week which also makes it difficult to maintain consciousness if I then sit too still. But it has been necessary to keep the heart rhythm regular instead of pounding madly and skipping the occasional beat. I have about had it with this whole anxiety trip but I swear it is continuing either to get worse or become less tolerable as I get older. Not sure which or if it even matters.

And the state of the world? I cannot afford to think about it for very long at one time. If Santiago and I get through the next few years and my friends are all surviving ok I will count myself blessed. There are a number of reasons why I am actually happy that my life is almost assuredly more than half over. I feel a little worried about those younger than I am and especially the few I know who are very young. And although I am still morbidly curious about what the planet will be like in 10,000 years I am quite content not to have to come back to live another lifetime. Good job I do not subscribe to the reincarnation metaphysic underlying certain types of Buddhism. Zen is nicely agnostic on the subject as far as I have been able to discern thus far. And eternal life! Some impetuous youngster dreamt that up--or a sadistic demiurge intent on torturing living things.

This entry was composed @Dreamwidth.
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Tags: anxiety, atelos, books, buddhism, cats, culture, daily structure, death, depression, disability, home, meds, one last ditch, poetry, ptsd, suffering

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