all i had to do today was write a page on why i wanted in Judith's seminar and that was not terribly stressful except that it did necessitate thinking again and i haven't been thinking about those things in that way for a few weeks although i have been thinking about other things in other ways as it is not like my head gives me a day off anymore unless i feed it beer which is probably why i so often do just that.
i did feel a little put on the spot but having survived my exams it wasn't that big of a deal. i won't even take it personally if she doesn't let me in since there were more than 50 of us vying for 18 seats and she has to give first- and second-year students priority and as i am already working with her i do have her ear in a certain way in which newer students don't yet so i can always converse with her about whatever i want. that is i don't have to take a seminar to gain audience.
really what was more stressful than selling myself once again on paper was finding the place where the class met today. UC clericals are on strike and so no one with labor credentials is going on campus so we met in the Lehrhaus Judaica - which is i guess a jewish place of teaching - across the street from campus. always uncomfortable with unfamiliar territory i checked the address about six or seven times so as to know exactly where i was going but even then i was still worried about how to find room "F-G" as it was named in the email telling us all where the alternative meeting place was. i mean if i couldn't find it on my own i might have had to ask someone and *gasp* i did not want to do that. what if they challenged my right to be there? what if there was no "F-G"? what if i thought i had found "F-G" but was mistaken and no one else showed up and i began to feel foolish and forsaken? oh how i longed for the security of looking for a 203 Wheeler whose whereabouts i already knew!
i needn't have worried. rooms F and G opened right out onto the sidewalk in front of us as we came up the street and besides which i ran into other rhetoricians on the way there and thus was far less likely to be standing alone in the wrong spot when the time came.
i get this from my grandmother. my aunt has it too. we worry.