maybe this will wear off but the compulsion to be on top of my game for my exams has resulted in my not being able to just read something and either nod or shake my head and then put it down. no i have to run in here to the computer and type madly about whatever in the article/book pisses me off and what seems promising and what i feel the need to offer a corrective for and there is always something in need of that.
maybe it is a little narcissistic to think i can both determine where correctives are needed and offer them but i think though the crux of it is an acute lack of self-assurance which drives me to argue vehemently and lengthily and carefully for my own convictions and which in fact won't allow me to rest until i've done so and in fact demands that i do this over and over again even if i've argued the same point successfully before.
on the one hand this has resulted in some elaborate pieces of reasoning which i can deploy in my work but on the other hand it is exhausting and engenders a certain aversion to working at all.
and then on the other other hand there is always the gratification of articulating something well. the problem is it never lasts.