August 10th, 2001



looking for something to well up within me so i can write about it. it is not as though i've done nothing productive all day and thus must make up for that deficiency by producing something here. i actually got through twenty pages of Levinas and felt that i understood a good nineteen of them. one would think i would have something to say about what i read but i am still digesting it in a sort of unconscious way.

i want the Other to be multiple.

make of that what you will.

i'm not reading quickly enough. twenty pages a day is not enough but i don't have the attention span to read for six hours at a sitting hoping to make it to eighty pages. it is hard enough just getting myself into the living room with my books and pen and pencil and paper and post it notes by noon ready to take on whatever might emanate from the pages i hold closed in my hand. and it's always dangerous this undertaking because one never knows what might be said and how well one might be able to stand up to that which is disagreeable and how one might be able to withstand the dis-integration of being caught up in the agreeable.

all i wish for is to be able to stand up and disintegrate.
  • Current Music
    big black


so patti played heart shaped box again for an encore and it was really cool although the band didn't quite measure up to the nirvana crescendo in the chorus.

then that night i dreamed i had sex with kurt cobain and shortly thereafter did so many hallucinogens that i couldn't make my way back to reality for over 24 hours. in a way it was fun but i kind of wanted to come down to see what was actually going on as i felt i would be called upon to function in a real-world way very very soon. then i woke up and everything was normal and i thought damn! what a dream coup! all the sordidness of my imagination playing itself out silently in my little futon bed with the cat peacefully sleeping by my side.

i have fun at night sometimes and sometimes everything is so vibrant and shocking and new and seductive that it seems a shame to wake up. sometimes though tedium just multiplies at night and i can't predict or control which it will be.

but either way it seems the older i get the more real this nighttime realm becomes. more and more i feel like i am splitting my time between two worlds and the cool thing about that other world is that things have no real consequences there. all i have to do is shift my focus and all is resolved into some completely different scenario. don't like the tornado bearing down upon me? don't look at it and it will go away!

one day someone will come to me in this life and demand that i pay all my bills and i will say no you don't understand nothing is binding not really why i live fully half my life not being held to anything for more than a few seconds so why should i pay you when tonight you will cease to exist? sure tomorrow you will come back but then you will disappear again and with all this oscillation who is to say that you have any real claims on me?

when i was younger i thought i wanted to go insane in my old age but i have tried something like that and it really really sucks and now i realize that what i really want to do is fall asleep.
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy