August 19th, 2001



at the party i had many looking at yourself in the third person moments where i noticed what i was doing and what everyone else was doing and i reflected to myself that probably no one else was reflecting to themselves in such a way that they were noting what was going on around them and comparing that to what was going on immediately around them.

the older i get the more i comfortable i get with my own style or lack thereof but at one point it seemed painfully clear that i talk less than everyone. i mean i am always always the quietest one in the room watching what everyone else is doing and marveling that they are able to do it. at one point i saw that everyone except me was conversing with someone else if not a couple of someones and that i knew at least one person in each conversational group and could probably have insinuated myself into whichever conversation i chose but i didn't feel comfortable insinuating myself into any of them. i watched how other people fell naturally to conversing with other people and i thought how do they do that i don't understand.

i mean i really and truly don't get this in a fundamental way and i don't see how it is that i am of the same species as these other folks who talk to each other spontaneously and with relish. i mean we have parties right because we like to stand around in crowded rooms right and talk to each other we get pleasure out of it or we wouldn't do it all on our own the way we do.

maybe it is just that they all knew each other a little better than i knew any of them.

well either way i don't really feel bad about it and that is the more comfortable part but on the other hand i really wonder how it is i am supposed to blend in and function with this sort of really bizarre to me practice of being social.

and of course i saw someone there whom i miss a lot and our eyes met a couple of times and i don't know if i read something there but what is startling is that i wanted to read something there which is different and relatively new in that at one time i would have recognized the urge to strike out and meet this person but this time it felt like something alien to me.

and i think to myself what happened what happened and how did i lose those four years. let me warn you young people you never know really what you are capable of until you do it and then it is too late you have done it and you have to live with the consequences even if this means not recognizing yourself for some months.

oddly i am glad i went to the party.
  • Current Mood
    drunk drunk


should i buy shoes? i'm thinking i should buy shoes. i find it somewhat pitiful that i have been wearing the same pair of boots for four years although i did get them resoled once and every now and again i get a shoeshine man downtown to polish them for me so they look not quite so decrepit but really i think i could use a new pair of daily wear boots.

around christmas a skechers store opened just up the street and i have only been in there once. ok i know that they make shoes for 20 year olds but hey i got carded last night so at least i know i wouldn't look absolutely ridiculous in shoes for 20 year olds. in fact wearing such shoes might perpetuate my being carded which these days is an endless source of delight.

so should i change out of my pajamas and go buy shoes?
  • Current Mood
    lazy lazy


someone in one of the buildings is playing bass athens style:


a steady string of eighth notes at one pitch followed by a steady string of eighth notes at a different pitch then the same at a third pitch and then finally back to the original note.

this makes me think i should get out my bass since i know i can do something more interesting than that even though i kind of suck at the bass.

music or shoes. music or shoes. i could shower go get the shoes then come back and make music. by that time it will be late enough to eat dinner too.


oh joy. now piano man is joining in. i think i need to leave now.
  • Current Music
    the neighbors


new boots. on sale. the purchase was somewhat anticlimactic as it was almost too easy to walk two blocks, peruse the offerings, find a pair that fit, buy them and come home. took less than 20 minutes and here i was kind of looking forward to a shopping expedition but at least i like the boots.

from time to time it occurs to me just how spoiled i am living in an urban center in early 21st century america. sure i am living on borrowed money but as we were assuring ourselves last night student loans can be paid back at the rate of 13 cents a month if that is all you can afford so if i don't get a hugely lucrative job i should still be able to feed myself first and pay back the government last.
  • Current Mood
    satisfied satisfied