August 24th, 2001



i just spent three hours wondering why the people who were talking to me were talking to me as i was saying next to nothing to encourage them to do so. again i don't get it that which makes people talk so much about what they think and what they do and why they get so excited to talk to each other about it. or maybe it is that i don't understand how one can dive into such conversation with someone one barely knows i mean how do you know what will come of a conversation. how do you know that that which you venture will not ruin you.
  • Current Mood
    pessimistic pessimistic


we used to do drugs. from what they told me there was a clearly distinct feeling between being up and coming down but i never noticed this. this could be because i drank a fair amount of beer while up and thus the down was somewhat cushioned in a bleary drunk sort of way. beer also was the antidote for the crushing despair felt the day after in that in a similarly drunk bleary sort of way the crushing despair was more manageable and even warm and fuzzy in that drunk bleary way.

what i noticed was the moment between waiting and blam! whoosh even. normal normal normal then wowee!

i keep thinking this will happen soon. that any moment now like limbs waking from deep sleep it will all come upon me in an instant the waking and the tingling and the longing and the longing.

i keep thinking this is happening now.

the risk i run in even thinking this.
  • Current Music
    joel r l phelps