August 31st, 2001

hat

to do list

sometimes it surprises me that i have a life here like everybody else who was here before i was and whose lives looked impossible to me when i first arrived.

i keep forgetting where i am. moments ago i placed a fire station just up the street and had it all envisioned when i realized that i was thinking of a street in a city i used to live in and not this one at all. i don't actually know where there are fire stations in this city. oh wait there is that one. ok i know where one fire station is in this city.

it occurs to me that i use "i" rather glibly given that my whole project is to question the "i." but i don't know quite how else to reference what passes through in my general vicinity. i say "i" because i am used to it and perhaps because it means something or at least is a convention.
  • Current Music
    neutral milk hotel
hat

addendum

what it is is the obligation to say without the means to say.

that is what makes "i" compulsory.
  • Current Mood
    satisfied satisfied
hat

(no subject)

sometimes it surprises me that i have a life here like everybody else who was here before i was and whose lives looked impossible to me when i first arrived. whenever i travel to a city i wonder how it is that those who are there already who are caught up already in traversing the place repeatedly in crossing the place and each other's crossings how they have lives there when to me it is all only what it appears this person going into that store randomly or this other person whom i've never seen sitting down to eat at the table next to mine and then getting up and going off somewhere never ever to be seen again. the distance between the contingent and the familiar which is only the contingent worn in certain patterns.

overall though there are those whose patterns go around in tight circles always local and never as those of a stranger and then there are the strangers who pass through whose moments are all they have of themselves but whose moments only punctuate the familiar of those whose patterns remain in tight circles.

i've been a stranger and i've been a local and each has its comforts. i wish always to be both for the comforts each affords. from the point of view of the stranger though the local seems impossible and from the point of view of the local the stranger seems precarious and ephemeral and laughably out of the know.

my wish is to be everywhere a stranger and everywhere at home.
  • Current Music
    pigeonhed
hat

(no subject)

it occurs to me that i use "i" rather glibly given that my whole project is to question the "i." but i don't know quite how else to reference what passes through in my general vicinity. i say "i" because i am used to it and perhaps because it means something or at least is a convention.

in the last day or so it occurs to me that i is the result of obsession and the undoing of that obsession is the undoing of the i and the undoing of the obsession is implicit in the obsession itself. straightening the forks and knives for instance always makes a mockery of the straight and introduces always a skewedness to what would be perfectly aligned without the singular absurdity of the wanting to align.

sometimes i see there is nothing to what i am saying.

there is though a straightness to the point of perversity to the point of contesting any conception of straightness at all. and i don't mean or at least i don't think i mean simply the "sickness" of obsession rather that straight itself is perverse in its own insistence. its singularity as straightness.

i am singular and perversely not anything like an i. take that, levinas.
  • Current Music
    new order -- movement
hat

this wasn't on the list

i have these boxes that i sealed up five years ago and haven't unpacked since. actually i think i sealed them up seven years ago before i even left that last place i lived.

they are full of papers i want either to burn or to keep sealed up forever although sometimes i think i should go through my adolescent poetry and see if there isn't something there something that in its own way evaded cliche and said something old in a new way. not that it matters. i mean not that it matters that a way of saying is new or old because it is all said one way or the other and there you have it there is the expression of it and it either strikes you as something unheard of or something heard already and really there is not that much difference between the two.

still i always strive to say it in some unfamiliar way perhaps simply to get you to perk up.
  • Current Music
    dj krush