September 29th, 2001



i cleaned my desk off. you think this is no big deal but there was year-old mail on the bottom of the pile. as a measure of my mental capacities one can note that it has taken me until now to be able to figure out what to do with it all. i mean these companies keep sending you envelope after envelope of meaningless documents and catalogs and somehow you are supposed to process your share everyday and deposit that day's mail in its various appropriate spots but i haven't been able to do this so the mail pile on my desk stretched back to july 2000. i filled my paper recycling bag twice which of course means that i could have been methodically recycling this stuff all this time but it has taken me until now to have the cognitive skills necessary for determining what is a recyclable and what i should hold onto. for the obsessive compulsive among us i filed my bank statements and credit card receipts in the expanding file and threw away the ones that have been in there for over five years.

i then wiped all the dust and cat hair off which i suppose had also been collecting for more than a year and then i leaned over and picked up the pencils that had been lying on the floor since i knocked my pencil cup over some months ago. while down there i found two boxes of slides that had fallen off my shelves gods know when and yet more mail but the mail i just left there figuring it will keep until i move out and take the loft apart.

i still haven't found my shades which vanished three years ago. i had returned from a winter desert trip and i clearly remember holding my clip-on shades in my left hand as i lumbered up the stairs with my backpack and beyond that memory stops and so apparently did the shades. i have no idea where i put them down or where they went to from there but i fantasize that i will find them one day in some cranny in this room and if you have seen this room you know it is all one big cranny.
  • Current Music
    rolling stones - wild horses

looking back

inevitably the moment is coming when this will be over. and this is infinitely distressing. always flung towards the future looking backwards at what has just ended and what has just ended and what has just ended.

of course sometimes this works in one's favor as for instance when one is feeling pain. always there will be an end to pain and you are driven inexorably towards that moment. then of course pain will come again and then you will be driven to the end of pain and then again pain and then again and again and again and again.

at some moment unavoidably so everything will be anterior. that is all will have gone before and be gone forever and that will be all and the time before that will be unique and unchangeable and unrecoverable and that will be all.

meantime over and over again.
  • Current Music
    infamous menagerie - structure