December 16th, 2001



i put this in last night (well really early this morning) but upon rereading it think it also belongs here. apologies to anyone who has read this already.

i went to a party. tonight i went to a party. i did bond with two others
who were feeling as antisocial as i was and the three of us stood with
our backs to the room and talked about our dysfunctions so that part at
least was kind of cool.

but what happened was this and that is that every single person from my
thus far relatively short but enormously complicated san francisco past
showed up. i spent much of my time not looking at certain people and
looking at certain other people and wondering when the confusion and
desire and grief are going to fade. i mean there are some things i
should let go of already except that they affected me so thoroughly that
i am still tracking down and picking up the pieces of me that were
scattered to the four winds when the whole thing blew to bits.

it's been four years and i just don't quite understand what happened yet
and until i do i am not sure i can get completely free of it. i mean i
know what i did wrong and i know what i should have done instead but i
still have a hard time equating those false steps with nearly losing my
sanity. the consequences seem out of proportion and i don't know what to
attribute this to other than my own fragility but that isn't enough of
an answer for me.

what happened what happened what happened what happened.