January 18th, 2002



a mere 24 hours after arriving at home to find my loan check waiting for me and i have already been shoe shopping. the royalties and birthday money also motivated me to spend but i am saving much of it for a tattoo. the shoes were on sale and i couldn't make up my mind between two pairs so i bought them both. now i have new shoes! new shoes have made me happy since i was very small. what is it about shoes.

and i know i am always making noise about getting a tattoo but i think it is time what with turning 40 and all and before i run low on cash which i always do as the semester wears on.

i did think of a perhaps disingenuous way to justify living on government loans and that is that if i really think i am living out my retirement now only to work till the day i die then really this is no different from spending money at 65 which you earned during your working life. i expect to earn this money during my working life i am just going about it backwards.

on the other hand i don't know if i will want to be working when i am 80 and indeed i don't much like working now so i doubt that will change. at least i don't like the kind of work where you have to go to a specified place other than home for a substantial number of hours each day. i could easily get used to writing for a living or reading and thinking for a living but unfortunately the most secure way to do that is to teach and teaching stresses me out. i need a writing reading and thinking job that does not entail making oneself vulnerable on a daily basis.

i keep saying these things but no one has offered me a job yet.
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