May 23rd, 2002

eeyore

dullard

i should have recognized the signs of an impending stupid day in the going to bed at 9:30pm and having to drag myself out of bed twelve hours later. in an effort to convince myself i understand what i am reading i read something i wrote in response to the reading a few days ago and only barely understood what i myself wrote. am having difficulty grasping more than one abstraction at a time.

the question is what to do about it. i could read less intellectually intense things. i could give myself my shot two days early and hope this is hormonal and that will fix it. i could say the hell with it and take today off but i took yesterday afternoon off after accomplishing what i set out to do for the morning. and if i am stupid today chances are i will be stupider tomorrow. unless of course i give myself that shot unless of course it is not testosterone that i am running low on.

my instinct is to write out my confusion and when i am sharp that usually does the trick but if this is an honest to goodness stupid day then it will only frustrate and confuse me further.

and of course i am afraid i will remain stupid until july 12 at which time it will be too late.

aagh!
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    blank blank
eeyore

even fools can speak

ok i feel a little better. although i still feel stupid i was able at least to churn out something resembling a transcription of thought. although it is true that while typing i only felt vaguely connected to what i was saying it is reassuring to know that i can produce even when it is not particularly exciting or enlightening to do so. and that it doesn't matter if i can't remember what i just said because come the day they won't be asking me to say it twice.

i hope.

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    groggy groggy
mutts shadow

repetition compulsion

i seem to believe that a proliferation of copies of all my academic musings will somehow translate into sufficient verbiage to vindicate me in my exams: of my lists, my bibliographies and my fragmentary interjections i have copies on my hard drive, on a zip disk, on a floppy and on my idisk at apple.com.

ok i can see keeping a copy locally (hard drive) and remotely (apple.com), but there is no reason at all to have them also duplicated on a floppy which i store a full two inches from my hard drive (yes always halfway in the slot when not all the way in) and a zip disk which i store a full three feet from the floppy. this would make more rational sense if i carried the floppy or the zip around with me but i don't. if the hard drive goes up in flames so will they.

and yet it comforts me somehow to make all these copies. as if the sheer number of them will make up for any lapses of thought contained therein.
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    productive productive