October 16th, 2002


my morning

i wake up. i am in seattle in an apartment with my current san francisco housemates. it is 11am. there are two pairs of glasses on my bedside table: both are wire-framed but one pair is shaped like the glasses i wear now and the other looks just like my old round glasses.

my sheets are flannel with pink flowers on them. i think to myself that today i can wash my blankets because this new apartment has a washer and dryer.

i walk to the kitchen where for some reason no coffee is made even though both housemates are up. i ask c when the gay pride march begins and she answers '8:30 tonight' and i say 'isn't it odd they aren't holding it during the day as usual. are we to gather shivering in volunteer park in the middle of the night after it's over?' i think to myself that the fog will be coming in and we'll be freezing.

then i ask where the parade begins and c says 'at the bottom of revolver street' and i ask isn't that on the backside of capitol hill and she says no stupid and i say well i've been away and i don't remember.

i try to get the coffee going. there are too many lightswitches.

i realize i'm still asleep. the method for waking up in one's real bedroom in a situation like this is to close your eyes and relax and let your brain switch over to waking mode. i do this.

i wake up. it is 11am. i think to myself that today i can go shopping for new sheets to replace the flowered ones since i got my insurance money last week and could afford moderately priced sheets.

i get out of bed and notice that my mouth is filled with gravel. i note that i can see the toilet from my room and mark this as a sign that i am really awake. but when i get to the bathroom to spit out the gravel i see that the toilet is on the wrong wall.

i realize i'm still asleep. i close my eyes and relax.

i wake up but do not open my eyes. i think i hear music playing outside and then remember that i can't hear anything because my earplugs are in so i reach up to take them out.

it occurs to me that when i am trying to wake up i can't actually move my body.

i realize i'm still asleep. i relax my limbs and slowly feel them falling into the position i remember being in last time i really woke up.

i wake up but do not open my eyes.

i realize i am still asleep. i relax.

i open my eyes to see jackson lying beside me on my bed which is in the air. it is 11am. i am disappointed to know that i can't go really go shopping for sheets because i have work to do and that gay pride was months ago and held during the day as usual.

i see that the hall light is on where c forgot to turn it off as she was leaving earlier and am relieved to think that there will be coffee waiting when and if i get out of bed.

i realize i am really awake. i think to myself '10 more minutes' and close my eyes and go back to sleep.

repeat until 11:30 when i decide i can't take it anymore. i work to keep my eyes open until i can force myself to get up.
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted
nancy fight

he's at it again

whereas i can't abide the simplistic reasoning of some that would have us preserve a 'nature' 'untouched' by humanity only because natural virginity is a virtue and human incursion is always a stain, i still think it might be justifiable not to destroy wilderness for profit.

it sure would be nice if we could learn to live with the world rather than as hostile to and separate from it.

which brings me to another disturbing thought and that is that it is quite possible that the administration's attitude towards the environment is also motivated by christian cataclysmic thought. that is the earth was given to us to exploit and will be replaced by a new one very very soon so we might as well use up every bit of it that we can in the time we have left.

in other words human profit at the expense of all other life will never actually result in a negative ledger and is in fact god's will.

who remembers James Watt?
  • Current Mood
    angry angry
mutts earl


baseball came up in class yesterday. i was surprised. i don't know if my professor watches baseball but from what she said it seems likely.

but it made me think more about baseball and what i thought was that baseball is one of the dicier games we play.

well. they play it. i don't play it and never really liked games in the baseball/softball/kickball family because i never could take the pressure of being up to bat or being the one who was supposed to catch the ball.

interestingly i loved playing defensive back in football because there if you catch the ball just once in a great while you are a hero.

but see baseball is inhabited by chance if not actually to a greater extent than any major league sport then at least apparently so. that is chance is far more obvious. once the ball leaves the pitcher's hand, and even before, no one can control what happens to it.

i mean sure they try. fingers on the seams, pull your hands in to hit the sweet spot, but really the final determinant of where the ball goes is blind chance. which is why my professor said see it's like baseball when she was trying to illustrate the unpredictability of the Other.

baseball may be the closest thing we have to calvinball which is the closest thing we have to deleuze's ideal game where only chance operates and there can be no apportioning of chance according to models of profit and loss. to that extent baseball is like any american sport where chance is used only as an occasion to keep score but it strikes me that unpredictability is more or less foregrounded at least immediately prior to that keeping score.

and it is the not knowing that makes the game engaging. it is the not knowing that is perhaps more attractive than the prospect of winning or at least is that which keeps us playing again and again. or watching again and again as the case may be.

this is not to say there isn't something seductive about the prospect of winning. one reason i watch sports is to indulge my desire to be a part of a mob. a winning mob. a mob you'd give your life for.

see i would never give my life for any mob anywhere but i will scream my lungs out for my team. i figure it's a fairly harmless way to sublimate an instinct that i hold in dim regard but which beats away in me.

so you see in baseball you get both death and chance.

the weird thing is that this would be america's pastime. well maybe not. we're all about death. and to a degree all about chance but only in its subjection to models of profit and loss.

it may be that baseball is the only place we can stand to see happenstance happen in its raw form. and even there we cover it over on the scoreboard.
  • Current Music
    theatre of hate - westworld
mutts earl

at ease

ok now it's my weekend. or my half weekend.

these days i take my weekends in two distinct parts. wednesday night is my friday night and thursday is my saturday but then i interpose two working days before my saturday night which actually occurs on saturday and my sunday which actually occurs on sunday.

i change this from week to week but one can almost always count on there being a hiatus in my days off.

one reason is that i find it more difficult to start back to work if i've been idle for two or more days. inertia dictates that i keep doing what i was doing before and if this was nothing then nothing is all i want to do. if though the nothing occupied a relatively short space i can overcome it and get going again.

thus it's best to keep my attention span to a minimum. study too long? might forget how to rest. rest too long? might forget how to study.

this is why i'm no good at a 40-hr workweek.
  • Current Music
    pink floyd - the wall