December 30th, 2003



last night's crappy mood seems to have been replaced by happy caffeination this morning. I don't know what my problem was last night but it might have had something to so with not being able to go to sleep the night before because I could not stop thinking about all the things I have not done with my life thus far and I could not stop stressing about the more specific things I must do with my life by January 20.

today I don't seem to care so much. if I blow the self-imposed deadline on writing that intro, so be it. if I spend my energy writing my dissertation this next little while and don't have any leftover for the story of my life, so be it. I can write that later.

the problem with "later" of course is that it is not guaranteed but what are you going to do. only so many hours in the day and they go by so quickly now I barely have time to do one thing much less two or more.

ok now I'm starting to feel crappy again.

let's start over. today I will read and then I will go for a long walk as it has stopped raining. tomorrow I'm taking off so I can get my hair cut and do laundry. the next day I am taking off because it is a holiday not that I always observe holidays but this one is secular enough that it does not bother me.

then I will work for a couple of days. maybe then there will be some writing done.

and then next week it's off to the desert for my yearly winter camping. must try not to feel guilty for taking the time to go. what is the matter with me.
  • Current Music
    British Sea Power - Something Wicked


the other day I was talking to friend u about the interesting qualities not of god but of the idea of god. saying that I wasn't particularly interested in god as a person or a being of any type of will or intention but I was interested in how the idea of god operates and what it seems to stand in for (insofar that it can stand in for. because the idea itself is resistant to that sort of representation).

anyway I've been listening to this band 16 Horsepower and they do these kind of swampy hot and humid runaway train wreck songs with lyrics that in any other musical setting would disturb me greatly because they are quite christian.

but the interesting thing about them is not that this guy is singing about jesus but that he is singing about jesus with a certain sort of despair and horror as though desperately trying to sing god into being in very uncooperative circumstances and I wonder what this stands in for as the center of the music sounds permeated by absence and loss.

on the other hand a lyric like "if I die by your hand / I have a home in gloryland" is frightening in the violent lengths it is willing to risk by virtue of its assurance of eternal life even as it seems conscious of and appalled by its own violence.

that last I think is the paradox that has my attention.
  • Current Music
    sixteen horsepower / woven hand

my head felt just like two balloons

ever have one of those nights when beer just seems to make your head swell? literally, I mean.

I have a headache and my heart and veins are all poundy and I feel like my forehead is about a mile out in front of the rest of me. I'm not sure but I think this might be what a sinus headache is like. I wouldn't know because I've never had one.

I wonder if I'm dehydrated.
  • Current Mood