January 18th, 2004


sleep worship

ok I'm up. I don't know exactly why I stayed up till 3am other than that there was a party next door and somehow the don't-go-to-sleep-yet vibes infected me. anyone else would have complained about the noise but when I finally decided to knock off I just put my earplugs in. I don't know when the party ended but the other neighbors were beginning to yell at them to shut up when I wrapped myself in silence and cats and fell into a deep sleep.

I have one more drinking day until school starts. friends b and e will be by in a few hours to take me to the beer and sausage place. b and e are bad for my professed vegetarianism.

tomorrow I have to write the syllabus. it shouldn't be too hard to revise my 1B syllabus into a 1A syllabus and I pretty much know what I am teaching when but it still is anxiety-provoking that I have waited this long. but then actually doing it has also been anxiety-provoking which is probably why I have waited this long so really the fact of teaching itself would be making me anxious whether I was over- or under-prepared. as is there is not that much to be anxious about this week as it is only the first week and there is not a lot to do other than take roll and tell them how terribly hard rhetoric is.

even so. what if they don't like me?
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious

on "Emma" and a skating rink whose name I have completely forgotten. perhaps there was no name.

later on and there is no way to explain this fully although something about the explaining is exactly it but later on there was this one song and although I remembered it a certain way and it showed up years later as a slightly different way I knew it was the one I originally knew but in its fleshly reincarnation I could not quite place it or reconstruct the stature it had assumed in that part of my memory that had stopped at precisely the point I had heard the song at the skating rink and had skated soulfully and slowly in a way that no one else knew how to skate. as though the memory and the thing remembered were not particularly related and yet the thing remembered carried a ghostly reminder of the memory. how to outline the disjunction that was the closest of relations to the extent that I could not place the exact difference between the two except that this one note did not quite fall where I remembered it falling but I knew that this note was the very one which had sunk into memory and come out just enough different as to make me unsure or unable to recognize the note that had engendered the memory.

it is as though spelunking showed up details completely different from the ones on the charts but the details as they showed up presented themselves lethally and with occult powers and that only these could account for what the charts had become in their absence.

although that is not entirely the case. the account for what the charts had become in their absence proceeds at least partially from the charts themselves motivated by who knows what other than the charting and that is exactly what remains of the empirical in the end.

it was at the skating rink that one boy came up to me and asked if anyone had ever told me I was ugly. no one ever had. I wasn't quite sure what he meant. no one has asked me that question since. I was playing pinball although I did not know how. as far as I remember I never met anyone there but was always avid to go just so that I could for instance skate to this song or another song because to me the point of going was to skate and not to talk.

if I still haven't made sense of the question it is because it had nothing to do with why I was there. I don't remember anyone else at all.

the rink was variously orange and natural wood tone. who knows who decided the finish at any particular time. who knows if I even have the orange right by now.
  • Current Music
    Interpol - The New