July 6th, 2004



very hard to type with one hand. have a kitten on my other arm. must not disturb.

cold progressing: sore throat eases with ibuprofen, comes back hours later. will campaign for abx if keeps up but getting to dr's office a chore. school excursion put off till thur; if throat sore then perhaps will go to student health ctr. I feel guilty using public health system in SF for things school will pay for.

have been spending much time on web-based board, walk away from fundamentalism. if you want to see how conservative xtianity fucks people up, have a look. is very interesting talking to folks with church-inflicted OCD & PTSD. thought I was only one. the internet is a wondrous thing.

oh dear. Santiago has awakened and moved. this means I must make a decision as to whether or not to do work. gosh. I just don't know.
  • Current Mood
    chipper chipper

work? what's that?

I just put down the bass after practicing it long enough to get a blister on my right index finger. see I'm trying to learn the finger picking technique instead of the pick picking. I'm not sure why except that bass players who play with their fingers look like they know what they are doing. I thought what an easy way to gain credibility.

as it turns out it is much easier to play small notes this way. but I see now that bass players have to have calluses on both hands. well that's annoying.
  • Current Music

napalm in the morning

while watching apocalypse now my brains turned to liquid and started seeping out of every orifice in my head. my throat still hurts but the main brunt of the virus seems to have hit my nasal passages and tear ducts and, for some reason, my salivary glands. better drink much water tonight.

I'm not sure what to say about apocalypse now. doubtless much has already been said and I've even read some of it but not having seen the movie before now there was nothing upon which to hang what I've read so I don't remember any of the commentary. there is a point in it like blood meridian where the death drive takes over and becomes fascination and something like love but on that flip side of that disaster which instead of binding disparate beings takes them all down in mass murder/suicide. I mean there is some way in which those two distinctions are not even discrete and that is where the difficulty lies.

anyway I'm sure there are observations to be made on the particularities of vietnamese history and french and american colonialism but until I understand that history a little better I have no real comment except to wonder if the machinery of death that operates at their boundaries is at once their vanguard and ultimate consequence. what would "we" win if Kurtz managed to kill off all the opposition? what have you got once the beloved is dead?

of course that all this takes place in an exotic locale adds to the mythological deadly mystique of the other but there is something interesting in the way the other seems more to be represented as death and horror itself rather than any particular (nonwhite) culture. still it is inescapable that the crew going up the river is going up a remote vietnamese river far away from anything familiar.

this is gaining me no clarity. it frightens me that the movement which guarded the puppy is the same as that which beheaded the ox.
  • Current Music
    A Silver Mt Zion - 13 angels standing guard 'round the side of your bed.