October 30th, 2004



it is saturday and I've been up since before seven. the restaurant people came to work at 5:30 this morning. I went back to sleep. at 2:30 I woke with my heart pounding for no reason. in between 2:30 and 5:30 I barely woke myself up enough from a nightmare to convince myself I was in San Francisco and the cat was not bleeding. I won't describe the scene that made me realize I was dreaming. at 11 last night I had to get up and pee.

busy night.
  • Current Mood
    awake awake


the half-lotus position is oddly comfortable until it suddenly becomes painful and then it is not comfortable anymore.

I've been twice for meditation instruction and now think I might go throw in my lot with the pros a couple of evenings this week. I just did a practice run of twenty minutes to see which positions my legs were most likely to fall asleep in and that turned out to be pretty much all of them. I don't want to meditate in a chair like an old man so will see a) if flexibility increases as you repeatedly sit and b) if legs tend not to fall asleep once a certain flexibility is achieved. I realize I could do yoga too but let's not get carried away. my spine is curvy and my knees hurt.

I'm finding the lectures somewhat annoyingly simplistic. I'm not sure I'll keep going to those unless it is the wellbutrin talking and making me annoyed for no good reason. I have heard some interesting things. it's just that the consequent interpretation is almost always a letdown into homilies on how best to live as a self-satisfied west coaster. not so great and not different from what you hear in bad therapy.

I mean there is a difference between oversimplification and elegant simplicity. the latter almost always incorporates a paradox without making it soluble.

but perhaps I should turn off the critic. the problem though really is that when I hear what I perceive as oversimplification I get squicked out. it reminds me too much of church. so there may be some wisdom in skipping the talks for now until I can understand them in whatever paradoxical way I wish without getting hung up on the patness.

but meditating here just now on the floor in my room was very nice in a way I'm not going to try to explain. Santiago was mercifully subdued. I did have to chase him around for a couple of hours first.
  • Current Music
    Frog Eyes - A Latex Ice Age