October 31st, 2004

nancy fight

speedball

I don't think I'm liking the wellbutrin. it energizes me but in an angry, tense way. it also is making my obsessionality with my work much less pleasant: if I can't write something just exactly the way I want it I get angry and tense and generally quite unhappy until I can get it out.

the idea was to make the obsession fun: oh look if I keep writing long enough this wonderful thing will appear! rather than fuck fuck fuck this is driving me nuts and I hate this but I can't stop.

so I dunno. doc suggested half a pill if whole pills seemed too enraging so I think tomorrow I will try one-half and see what happens. tonight I took a klonopin as an experiment to see if it would unstress me and now I'm relaxed in mind and tense in the gut. it could be worse. valerian for instance will relax my gut but not do a thing for my mind and generally speaking the furious mind is much harder to live with than the furious gut.

I tried sitting twice today and found that for the beginner it is a little too challenging to try to meditate while the housemate cleans the living room and the cat fiddles with things here and there and the restaurant downstairs hoses out their pots and the neighbors play reggae extra loud. so this morning's session did not help greatly. this evening was better: housemate out, cat asleep, restaurant closed, neighbors (mostly) quiet.

I'm staying in tonight while the rest of the western world gathers in the Castro for Halloween. I'm perfectly happy with this arrangement. there are times I enjoy the crush of the crowd but when controlling subliminal rage I prefer to stay in my room.
  • Current Music
    Mahler - Symphony No.1