November 8th, 2004


the morning post

you should look at today's Too Much Coffee Man.

I slept from 9pm to 9:30am. I tried to get up at 7 but I could tell by the way I was falling back into a deep deep sleep between snoozes that it wasn't going to go. I woke up enough to reset the alarm for 10:30 just in case. this is what happens when you klonopin yourself at 6pm I guess. I wasn't in that much anxiety but I thought the alarmed pit in my stomach might turn into a simple cozy let's go to bed sinking feeling and I was right.

the big question of the day is whether to do laundry after school or put it off till tomorrow. there are a couple of hand wash items I'd better wash tonight and hang up to dry. I probably should get off BART at the civic center and take care of the meds business. I don't know why I hate doing it so much. because it necessitates talking to near-strangers, probably. that and I always expect someone to say no sorry you can't have your medicine this month. I don't know why I expect that. I think I have the reverse of a sense of universal entitlement. one more reason why I don't know what I'm doing trying to be a white man.

Santiago is staring at me meowing with his tail whipping back and forth. every morning I have to come up with some new and exciting game. I keep thinking I should get him a swingset or a bicycle or something.
  • Current Music
    David Bowie - "Heroes"

what could possibly go wrong

this is how it is in ErikWorld when you have to get things done.

alarm goes off. hit snooze. fall into deep sleep. alarm goes off. hit snooze. fall into deep sleep. alarm goes off. reset alarm for later, feel vaguely guilty. fall into deep sleep. dream. wake up before alarm goes off at adjusted time but still feel guilty for not getting up when you wanted to. while drinking coffee, worry about when to take shower and get dressed so as to leave on time. while checking email, worry that something will happen in class that embarrasses you. while reading livejournal, begin to make mental list of the things you have to do today. get nervous about all of them.

ok this goes on like this and then it is time for you to leave school and do the one thing you have been putting off for reasons still unclear to you. on BART, rehearse several times what you are going to say to the person behind the window at the clinic. hope hope hope that it is not crowded and no one yells at you for cutting in line because the way things are set up it can look like you are cutting in line when in fact you are not. worry about whether to say you are employed for fear they will kick you out for making too much money.

once off BART and walking to the clinic you think to yourself this is it. this is the thing I dread doing. then you breathe sigh of relief when clinic is not crowded and you see familiar face at window. tell the truth about employment. get pharmacy coverage updated. worry that your file will be scrutinized for signs of affluence.

off to the pharmacy. now hours earlier you figured out that instead of worrying about which window to go to because you ordered refills last week and found out pharmacy coverage had lapsed so had to go fix it and just now you got to that so you suspect that your refills are no longer waiting for you but have been returned to stock--instead of feeling unsure about that you will ask for an additional refill at the dropoff window for this other stuff you don't quite need a refill for yet and then say quickly to the clerk there that there were refills last week you hadn't picked up yet and were wondering if they were still over at the pickup window or not.

so that has all been figured out and you were greatly relieved once you had figured it out but still you have to rehearse several times what to say to the clerk as you walk the three blocks from the clinic to the pharmacy. while waiting in line you continue to rehearse in order to come up with the most clear and efficient way to make your request and the least likely to cause you or them embarrassment. breathe sigh of relief when clerk understands what you are saying right away. while waiting in second line to pick up refills from last week think to yourself it's almost over. I'm almost done with this. thank heavens I'm almost done and this part is pretty routine so the worrying is almost over.

I've been living this way pretty much my whole life. I do not know if they make a medication for it but if they do I want it.
  • Current Music
    Smog - Distance