September 18th, 2005


all of our operators are busy

I was going to talk about the zen lecture yesterday that bugged me but I've been studying Plato for four hours now and am unable to think and only barely able to type--I keep having to delete and go back.

I want to do something fun and low stress now. I might take a half a klonopin just because I'm getting the sunday evening antsies already and it is not yet evening and having studied the text for four hours I suspect I am over-prepared but you know all the right action in the world doesn't prevent stage fright.

I will be fine tomorrow but sunday nights have always been hellish and when I teach on mondays they are extra so. the damned thing about it is that before I reread the Phaedrus I felt like I probably could have talked about it for two hours just off the top of my head but now that I have gone through it I'm all worried that I will not take care of all the important stuff in it and also having gone through it I'm now filled with details that may or may not be pressed neatly into the service of the summary treatment I was planning on giving the whole dialog and they bounce around in my head defying all my efforts to put them in place or rather I can feel my head spinning but I can't actually read any thoughts out of it because at this point I cannot think really at all.

I'm very glad I'm only doing this once a week. if I were to go into a tenure-track position I would probably be asked to teach three classes per term. and do my own work. I don't know when I'd do that work given that each class requires two days of stressful obsession--the day before and the day of--so that would be six days right there and I always insist on a day off. so yeah I don't know about that. I like Judith's idea of being an itinerant intellectual a bit better.
  • Current Mood
    scared scared

wonder drug

half a klonopin does work nicely doesn't it. here I'd been wishing all my life that there were an off switch in the brain's panic center and now you can flick it with a pill. modern medicine can be a marvel when it is not busy trying to pathologize everything human.

on the other hand I do feel very much like sleeping now and I thought I was relatively energetic before although once I had spent four hours with Plato I wasn't exactly wide awake. I don't know quite what my body is up to. my last shot I took four days late because I was full of energy and full of energy and full of energy so I waited for that to die down and when it did I took my shot and I've been tired ever since. this was a week ago and I took a little bigger shot than normal because that was the last bit left in the vial so I thought what the hell I'll just be extra jazzed but no.

what can you do. I think what I am going to do is shave and shower (no I'm not shaving the beard off but doing the usual trim. are you kidding?) and see what comes next. shower tonight means more time in which to fret in the morning. we need our fret time.
  • Current Mood
    calm calm