October 3rd, 2005


dancing shoes

I'm finding myself wanting to stay up tonight because it is my friday and every monday that I make it through without major embarrassment is such a triumph that I feel like celebrating but the problem I'm having here is that I'm really sleepy.

so I will nod at the screen for about half an hour or so and then give up.

also I have a car tomorrow morning to go pick up my new table so I have to get up to an alarm although I would set an alarm anyway as it prevents the morning dream-lock that I find so unpleasant. although I did have to increase the volume on my clock radio again as the other morning it was filtering into my dream but I couldn't wake up to save my life.

I have this fear that one day I am going to go to sleep and never wake up. no not the old fear of dying, but of being stuck for the rest of my life in dreamworld, where I visit my parents to scream at them and thunderstorms brew spontaneously from clear skies and tornados from gentle rain showers. also I cannot seem to remember to get round trip tickets in dreamland and often am trying to pay rent both here and in seattle.

interestingly, academic anxiety has ceased to show up as suddenly sitting in the final exam and realizing you haven't been to class all semester. now I've begun to dream that I've forgotten where the classes I teach are located or that I suddenly realize that I haven't actually been to teach them for several weeks and no one has been able to find me and I'm in big administrative trouble. isn't it interesting how things stay the same when they change.

anyway almost nothing goes right for me in dreams anymore (wish fulfillment? bah!) so getting stuck living them till I die would be a real drag.

I fondly remember dreams of money and flying (not in airplanes. flying in airplanes is something that the dream family is always tricking me into doing and I always have to refuse to get on at the last moment. no I mean those nice flying-under-your-own-power flight dreams. on the off chance I get one of those then immediately the problem becomes that I cannot come down or I start being hurtled up into the air away from earth at immense speeds) and ice cream and good drugs instead of bad drugs. will I get those back in old age or do things just continue to deteriorate?
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    sleepy sleepy