October 6th, 2005



writing writing writing.

I really want to be done with this. I so passionately want to be done with this that I managed to resist calling a day off today. I've only taken one day off per week for the last three weeks and I have to say I am not happy with the way it makes time go by lickety split but it does enable me to get a lot done, especially when I get up at 5:30 every time I can talk myself into it. today I did not succeed but reset the alarm for 6:30. which is still nothing to sneeze at considering how I used to live my life.

this is a break I'm taking. does it count as a break if you just sit and type more?

I received a new meditation cushion yesterday. I know it might seem excessive to be buying special cushions made for meditating but I want one that I can take with me to the zendo so that I can sit on something I am used to instead of some random cushion there. it is driving me nuts the way my legs fall asleep on their cushions and I am tired of being the squirmy one in the zendo.

but so this new cushion is unconventional in shape and is supposed to keep your legs from falling asleep. I tried it this morning and instead of the usual, my legs fell asleep in a completely different way! the tops of my feet went first and it traveled up my shins. very strange. I took some of the stuffing out as I suspect the problem is that it was sitting me up too high and placing a lot of pressure on the fronts of my legs. will see how it works tonight and tomorrow. they take returns for any reason but the item must be in new condition and mine is already covered in cat hair. I mean that's removable but it's a pain in the ass to get completely off.

ok back to work. I've written five paragraphs today. I've been writing a lot per sitting which is good as I only get to work on this 2-3x per week. last weekend I thought of a way to write the very first paragraph and I haven't even gotten around to sticking it on there yet. too much to do!
  • Current Mood
    busy busy


five pages. I think I am beginning to make progress towards an end. an end of something although I am not sure what: a chapter? I got the inspiration the other day to divide what I've already written into small chapters and just let them tumble one after the other in the somewhat spiraling fashion that I've always done things. I guess I shouldn't panic that I cannot seem to write a simple linear argument about those things which matter the most to me. there are too many points of continuity between one thing I read and another to put them in that sort of form, and I think my own argument gets made in and amongst the repetitions but it is not classical and it is not simple and straightforward.

I think I should talk to someone about this. Judith did suggest writing metonymically and this is somewhat like that so perhaps I should not worry but I want to know that what I am doing is up to snuff even if it is a little unconventional. it's about time to check in anyway and let the whole crew know what I am up to. I have this one committee member whom I've met only a few times and in fact we don't always recognize each other when we run into one another. it's embarrassing and funny at the same time. I hope she's still there!

the other three I know quite well. I wonder how that came to pass. I guess because Michael gave me a job last year I ended up spending more time with him than ever before. and Judith and Lyn are, well, Judith and Lyn, and one would be doing oneself a disservice not to get to know them when one had the chance.

which reminds me I need to work on getting stuff submitted.

I want to go shopping. it is true that I could use a bag that goes more obviously with the blue theme I've put together lately. it's been blue and one or two other colors, but the khaki bag I bought some time ago really only works when one of the other colors is brown. my macys card still works--in fact it's the only credit card that I can still use--and last time I looked they had a selection of men's bags.

I'm all dressed up too. like I should be downtown or something. I found this cool pink and blue shirt at nordstrom rack the other day ($150 ben sherman for $30!) and wore it yesterday and saw it hanging there this morning and just had to put it on again. I actually look ok in pink--not like I'm the same color as my shirt.

tomorrow I have more writing to do and then I need to do some work for my jobs which I neglected last week. I could do some of that work now but I'm itching for a little free time. itch itch. I also want a little metal buddha and I keep looking everywhere but the zen center bookstore and I think I just have to go there. maybe I should get off the bus in chinatown one of these days. I did take a stroll down Stockton one day last week and looked in windows but saw mostly jade this and that. jade is pretty but it's not my thing. metal for me. shiny!

I'm not sure I should go to the zen center in this shirt though. they prefer muted colors. I like my clothes to jump up and down and say wheeeee! I'm just not going to make a very good buddhist, am I?
  • Current Mood
    bouncy bouncy

not recommended

ethnic gourmet phad thai with tofu, frozen dinner. it may be that one simply shouldn't freeze tofu or it may be that a good peanut sauce must tread a fine line between nutty and sweet and this one decided it would be safer to try to appeal to the masses with too much sweet but the real question is why do I pay $4 for a frozen entree when I can get phad thai freshly made down the street for not much more and I guess the answer has to do with not only not wanting to leave the house but not wanting to deal with people beyond giving my money to the grocery store clerk which I have to every now and again for cereal and coffee anyway so I tend to stock up on other foods as well.

this is the thing about no longer wanting a burrito every single night. I have yet to find a reliable replacement meal although from time to time a sandwich is ok and from time to time a couple slices of pizza are ok but nothing is filling the dinnertime void nearly as well as burritos once did. I don't know quite what to do. I suppose I could try to get a rotation going that includes the pizza but I haven't stumbled upon any locally made dish that warrants a regular place so I find myself almost every night having to decide where to go for dinner and these frozen dinners have been an attempt not to have to do that every single night. so far the only one I really like is a southwestern chili and cornbread unit that tastes very very good but costs $5 for 210 calories. wtf kind of dinner is that. I have to eat two of them unless it is an exceptionally low appetite night.

see the phad thai weighed in at 430 calories for $4 so I thought it wasn't such a bad deal. but I think I put about 75 of them in the compost. I think I might have to have a cookie soon.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed