November 23rd, 2005



after writing for two hours I feel I must stop but I didn't get to the part I wanted to get to. unfortunately though after two hours of this particular kind of writing all the sharpness of morning fades into the dull hiss of afternoon and it is very difficult to marshal the concentration necessary. I think while I was doing my written exams I wrote for about three hours a day and after four days I almost could not think at all so I guess pacing myself over these next two weeks would be a good thing.

unfortunately I cannot go out and play now but must grade papers. it's ok though. I've finally after 8 years of teaching gotten used to grading papers and although it is not my favorite thing to do it is no longer so anxiety producing. I will do as many as I can and then go out and play. I'm not sure what I want to do but the high today will be less than 70F for a change so I might actually like it out there. perhaps I will take myself out to an early dinner. well. it would be early for most of you but for me quite normal.

I'm wearing a stocking cap on my bald head because it is not as warm today. I suppose shaving one's head in the fall is not the brightest idea but I like it so it's going to be hats for me all winter assuming winter ever arrives. maybe then I need to go hat shopping. unfortunately the best hats are at urban outfitters and having learned that they are big republican contributors has made me less interested in shopping there. maybe there are some good hats up in the haight. one neighborhood I've never really shopped is the lower haight.

I wonder if stores are going to close early today to allow people to go grocery shopping. I need food and not just for tomorrow but I'm out of cereal and milk and zone bars and cookies and crackers. my high-carb diet dictates that I go get a few more of these things.

tomorrow is lingerie thanksgiving but I am not going to go for the whole thing and am not sure I will make it to any of it but I've been told I really should by people who care for my well-being and it is always difficult to explain the cost-benefit analysis I have to go through when contemplating any social activity. lingerie thanksgiving is lots of people, most of whom I have met before but whom I only see once a year--on lingerie thanksgiving. so it's a matter of being up for a crowd even if only for a short time and that always requires energy outlay that I'm not always completely willing to put out. it's been some time since I've felt like a complete alien at social gatherings but I still find myself mostly in my own company at these things. even if I know one or two people well they have to divide their attentions among many which means I get to spend a fair amount of time trying to be comfortable talking to people I don't really know. it's not that I can't do it but it is not my idea of relaxation. especially since I won't be drinking much as it does not agree with my meds.

so you see it's a lot to think about and not simply a question of do I want to be alone for thanksgiving.
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