November 24th, 2005



if I had my druthers today I'd sit around and play with userpics for a few hours and then go read some more American Splendor comics and then maybe paint but I have a bunch of writing to do and a bunch of paper grading to do and I even need to do some work on next semester's reader as I was supposed to turn in the bibliography for that a week and a half ago but who the hell is thinking of next semester yet.

thanksgiving has not been a holiday since I became a student. the worst thanksgiving weekend ever was the one I spent writing a seminar paper first thing each morning with lots of coffee before the voices got really bad which they did every afternoon. it would be another two weeks before I asked for medication and we are all lucky I survived. it was the last paper I wrote for a few years because after that I lost my ability to make connections between things read and things read or at least connection enough to write about.

but that was then. this is now and I can't seem to shut up but I'm still scared because today I have to describe that chapter that I finally understood for the first time last week. I can't imagine what might happen that scares me but I suppose I could reopen the book and have it look once again like gibberish. that's not going to happen though because I drew a diagram. I'd show it to you but I don't have a .jpg of it and besides it's not very interesting if you haven't read the chapter.

coffee and meditation through which I will not sleep if I am good and lucky and have had enough of the aforementioned coffee. although I must say I tried that Rockstar Energy Drink yesterday and besides tasting like flowers and bubblegum it actually was quite smooth in the energy department. no palpitations or anything. I might get more of it. I imagine the sucrose has a lot to do with the boost but it also has caffeine and guarana and taurine and a few other things. milk thistle. I thought that was a liver herb.

  • Current Mood
    awake awake


two hours four pages and I'm about half done with the explanation I wanted to finish today. one should be able to write more than four pages in two hours but I had to stop and reread some things and every now and again someone would page me on IM and the cat would need attention etc.

I feel a slight ebb in energy but not a complete wash in mental capacity but I think I will stop for today and move on to paper grading. that small remnant in momentum might help to get through a few more of them than I did yesterday.

still undecided as to possible venues for the holiday. I should call over to the lingerie house and see what time dinner starts. if it starts at 2 then I definitely have to skip it. later and there would be some possibility of making it but I'm thinking that after all this thinking I might just want to space out on my own. oh I just don't know. why do holidays have to be so complicated. on any other day I'd finish my work, go for a walk, get something to eat, draw, and go to bed.

anyway. onwards. I'm wearing this sweater I got at rei and I really like the way it looks but it is wool and so scratchy that it comes through my midweight thermal top. what are you supposed to wear under this, a layer of polyurethane? although it's only my back that is complaining; not my arms or stomach. maybe I just need to lotion my back. either way the cat is on my lap and I can't do a whole lot about it right now.

well fuck this. I need coffee. that trumps everything.
  • Current Mood
    thirsty thirsty

one down

so I've graded one paper and I don't know if I can grade anymore. sudden onset of burnout-itis is calling me to go for a long walk or a long draw or a long nap even.

how do people work 40 hours a week? or is it that most 40 hour a week jobs don't really take that much mental exertion? I can barely keep myself to a relentless schedule for more than two days or I start to feel like I've been put in jail.

maybe I'll do one more. I want to play or read or something. go to a gay diner in the castro and have dinner alone and then walk home. is it antisocial not to want to go for your thanksgiving invitation? does it matter if it's antisocial? is there something wrong with wanting to spend a holiday alone? I'm just not up for a crowd, you know? that is, I'm not up for a crowd that wants to interact with me. I could go to a crowded restaurant and sit alone and be quite fine. is this pathological?
  • Current Mood
    exanimate exanimate