December 4th, 2005


five to midnight

I managed to prepare a bit for class while reading on Friday so I think if I spend all day on the dissertation that will be ok. I meant to get up early and start early but I stayed up till 9 (!) and so did not want to set my alarm for before 6:30 because I simply don't function well on less than 9 hours and that gave me half an hour to lure the cats up so that I could relax and fall asleep and then of course it takes me a good two hours to have coffee and cereal and catch up on the internet and then I meditate for which I use a timer on my laptop but the cats decided to fight right on top of the laptop which put it in a coma without my realizing it so I'm sitting there and sitting there wondering why the incense has gone out and still no bell but sometimes the incense burns really quickly so I sat some more and finally I decided something had gone wrong with the timer and just got up and I had been sitting for 45 minutes while the laptop was in never-neverland.

fortunately it is easy to bring it back to life. it does this if it is knocked in and out of sleep too quickly which can happen when there are cats dancing around on the lid.

but so it's 10 which is my usual start time if I get up around 7 or so. one more cup of coffee and I will be ready. I think. yesterday didn't go too badly and I was glad to be able to "integrate" the few spasms that don't really go anywhere but still I fear what I might see. I am getting up to the stuff written in the last couple of months though so I don't expect too many surprises. the urge to revise as I go is strong but am trying to keep that to the minimum required for clarity so that I don't get bogged down.

this would be easier if fucking microsoft word hadn't un-indented all my paragraphs when I reformatted it for printing. I should turn off auto-indent if that's possible. I'd rather indent by hand and make it stick through style changes than rely on a microsoft product to know what I want my text to be doing.

I hope I get all the paragraphs right. well who cares as long as the text is broken up.

tomorrow evening? I will be dancing! I should find an open mic next weekend to celebrate. this is my last lecture, tomorrow, for the semester. last two classes will be their presentations. my god that went quickly. I still don't know how I'm getting to the desert over break but I guess I have to start thinking about that. Sandy will be in Seattle for christmas so it won't be then. I will be alone with the critters for that which sounds appealing, actually. I wonder if the castro will be as closed for christmas as it was for thanksgiving.

zyrc, you think your truck could make it all the way here at the beginning of Jan? :)
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous


I can say that I already know what today's reward will be (yesterday it was an egg/tomato/cheese crepe followed by a mixed berry crepe followed by purchasing an American Splendor anthology): walking to Office Depot and getting paper to print this all out on. I'm not wasting my heavyweight bright white on this rough draft!

it'll also be easier to tote around. I have to take it with me in the morning so I can head straight over to berkeley after teaching.

ok I'll get started now. that cup of coffee took a little longer than it should have but I'm frightened! and a little burnt out.

that walking to Office Depot and buying paper is really a reward in my universe shouldn't strike any of you as strange, should it?
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous

end pain pt one, begin pain pt two

I seem to be finished with the quick edit. I seem also to have enough paper to print it so I guess no walk to Office Depot unless I run out of black ink. although I will need to refresh my plain paper supply now so there is some excuse. I might need a giant clip but I think papers of this length go in manilla envelopes. I'm not sure if they should also feature a giant clip.

did I mention the other day I went to best buy to look for a couple of cheap gadgets and the way they have the store laid out now is so unbelievably confusing and circuitous that I'm not even certain I looked in the right places for these gadgets, which they did not seem to have (no I never ask the salespeople where things are. do you think I'm a freak??), and the whole place looks like it has been designed specifically for people with nano-second attention spans as you can be looking at dvd accessories and by the simplest shift of your body be suddenly staring at digital cameras and then virgin mobile phones and one step later be in video games?

I could do a bit more class preparation but I'm about wiped. it takes so little. after I turn this thing in tomorrow I will be on pins and needles waiting to hear what Judith has to say about it. I really don't know if it is what it should be. it isn't as linear as some dissertations, but it is more linear in spots than other things I've turned in for a grade. but of course that other thing was the paper for the Stein seminar taught by poet Lyn Hejinian who more or less ordered us not to write the normal way.

so we'll see. christ I want to graduate this year.
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished

party of one

interestingly, I've been doing this whole dissertation thing almost entirely on my own, meeting with Judith and/or Lyn every blue moon and hearing about how they are looking forward to whatever idiosyncratic thing I'm putting together over here and then just sitting and writing.

we'll see if this strategy works. so many grad students form writing groups and critiquing groups but I'm doing this on my own because it is less stressful for me this way. the angst and drama of other people's dissertation trials is catching, I find, and I remain much calmer if I don't listen to their woes but just sit and write.

perhaps if I were having a writer's block problem I would seek out the help of others but this is finally coming so easily (I mean, once I hack through the terror that begins each writing session) that I can only think that meeting regularly with anxious writers would only exacerbate the fear that I am not doing this right. listening to others' work often convinces me that I am going about this all wrong.

soon I'll know whether or not that is true.
  • Current Mood
    worried worried