December 13th, 2005


light? tunnel?

the fever seemed to break last night. either that or the coffee is momentarily making me feel ok but I think I decided that since I did not get the email of doom yesterday that the most likely explanation for the lack of reply is that she's busy. I will email her tomorrow and ask if we can meet if I don't hear from her today but for now I've decided that I will just keep writing as though no one is about to tell me that I must trash the whole thing.

that is, I would keep writing if I didn't have a ton of grading to do. still there is a paragraph I'd like to get out so I will do that first after sitting and showering this morning and then move on to grading. I can't keep dreaming up scenarios without risking my sanity so I will see if it is possible to avoid that temptation.

I suppose zen would have me give up this attachment to getting a phd but I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm willing to suffer for the desire for now. that seems reasonable to me and I'm not sure the answer to a life that offers you various things is to completely efface your desires but rather to refigure them in such a way that the ego doesn't become a big devouring monster.

anyway. so maybe today I won't be the bundle of anxiety and gloom that I was yesterday. we'll see what happens when the first coffee of the day wears off.
  • Current Mood
    okay okay


the one drawback to being in a decent mood is that now I don't want to work. I must do at least some work though, even if I grade, like, two papers. the hardest part is getting going; once I'm working the time passes just like it does when I'm not working.

dum de dum.

ok. scoop cat box, take shower, work.
  • Current Mood
    chipper chipper