santiago is on my lap looking apprehensively out the window as the sky keeps crashing at us. we are having a "severe" thunderstorm with lots of lightning and I've already unplugged my laptop and hope that the battery holds out for the next half hour or so.
this is the most thunder I've heard in a long time. interestingly I don't seem to be panicking yet although I suspect if it went on for a while I might start getting edgy. I've had a phobia of thunderstorms for as long as I can remember, growing up in georgia where you get them all the damned time.
well in the space of thinking of what to say about the thunderstorm it seems to have moved on. it's interesting what passes for severe in this part of the country. guess I'll plug everything back in now.
as I was walking dejectedly down the street yesterday morning thinking that I feel a lot like staying in bed just recently it occurred to me that I should just get sick so as to be as pitiful in physical incarnation as in mental.
so this morning I wake up nauseated with a massive massive headache. I can't even eat.
this is not the sort of sick I meant; I was hoping for a mild respiratory disorder.
I find it difficult to believe that I am hungover; I had two beers and half a martini last night over a period of five hours. is this how it is now? I guess I can give up drinking for the present but my friends looked like they were having such a good time!
in any case I might lie in bed and read for awhile. this is my least favorite kind of sick as it is impossible to enjoy much when you kind of want to throw up.
santiago thinks he needs chasing but I just don't see it happening soon.
another 200mg of ibuprofen and a bowl of cereal are helping. you migraine experts: do migraines typically respond to ibuprofen? my headaches usually do, no matter how severe. this morning's headache was the worst I've had in a long time but 600mg is doing the job.
I know I could look this up. why I probably will even.
I don't feel like doing much though. I'm not sure that hunching over my drawing board drawing little lines and shapes on paper with a high degree of textural detail is necessarily indicated right now. perhaps I should read. although that involves the same sort of concentration I think it would be less in degree.
it's either that or take a nap. I just got up two hours ago. but the weather and the blecchy feeling make napping look very attractive. I hate wasting the time though; there is so much I could be doing!
I will sit now and see what comes up. not that anything is supposed to come up or that is one sits without aiming at anything in particular but anything at all can happen. it's interesting that way in which you don't really know what is going to occur to you while you are trying to pay attention to just sitting and breathing. in some ways the most interesting thing about meditation is not some state you attain but the several and unpredictable states you pass through, or that pass through you. in zen at least, I think this is partially the point, although one doesn't name it as a point because it is essentially pointless in that it does not descriminate between one thing occurring to you or another. you're not supposed to be looking for any particular occurrence or even any occurrence, for it may happen that nothing at all occurs to you but you would still be doing what you are "supposed to" be doing.
that, too, is interesting.