January 2nd, 2006



I need a vacation.

there isn't going to be one.

I just looked at the weather forecast for death valley where it is snowing in the parts of the valley that are mountains instead of valley and raining in the rest of it but then it will clear up for three days with lows in the 30s and highs in the 60s and let me tell you there is no better camping weather than that.

I have two days to finish the grading that I meant to have done two weeks ago and then it's back to the dissertation so that when Judith asks where my main argument is I can say wait! here it is!

if I actually get a final draft done by April 10 I will first pass out and then I think I might run away into the forests of northern california and not come back for a while. surely my class would enjoy a week off?

coffee is not providing the joy like it is supposed to. we upped the prozac by 20mg a couple of weeks ago but so far I can't really feel a bump. I need to get the right combination of drugs in me to get a bunch of work out of me. it's all a matter of careful chemical maintenance.

  • Current Mood
    listless listless

no desire = suffering

I have just a few more papers to do tomorrow and then I will finally be done with the grading and good grief did that take forever.

now I am bored with myself and can't think of anything I particularly want to do. it is rainy out and there isn't anything I particularly want even if I had money to buy it although I could probably go find myself a 50% off calendar at a bookstore somewhere.

maybe that's the ticket.

that and something interesting to eat. I had that burrito yesterday but it was not all that great. cancun sometimes makes a less-than-great burrito in which there are too many onions and too much cilantro and not enough beans or cheese. what I really wanted was the salmon burrito up the street but they were closed which was too bad as I think they could have had a lot of business.

calendars. now that seems like a goal.
  • Current Mood
    optimistic perked up


it has just occurred to me the last couple of days that I spend most of my waking life worrying that my mood will go south in the afternoon and thinking of various ways to fend off the crash which always seems inevitable in one way or another.

I don't know if this little insight is worth anything but it might explain why so many afternoons do go south, if I am constantly anticipating that very thing.

there are times when I'd like to be almost anyone but me. I've dreaded every afternoon of my life since I can remember. that first cup of coffee in the morning marks the beginning of the long decline and as enjoyable as it is it doesn't make up for the abiding angst that builds after the first half hour of enjoying fresh consciousness.

I suppose it beats waking up in a panic but I really would like to know what it is like not to expect to feel lousy every single day.

it's not just coffee crash. it started long before my coffee habit.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed