January 6th, 2006


time's up

I am a little frightened. today I must get back to work but the idea scares me. I have to get my reader together and a clean copy turned in to the art institute by the end of the day so perhaps I should ease my way back into working by messing with that first.

I still am not sure why writing the dissertation freaks me out whereas writing just about anything else is fun and good times. I mean yeah my whole ten-year career in grad school is coming down to this one production and with it I will get a degree that not many have but the actual writing has not been that difficult.

I find that I still get anxious about all those times when I would read in the living room and then walk to my room and sit down to write and nothing would happen. I mean I have a million things going on in my head now, neurons firing that were dead asleep then but I still fear the total blank when I open the file in Word.

that and there is always a chance that I will stumble upon something in my reading or my thinking that will stir up troublesome voices although as the years pass that happens less and less it still sometimes happens. these days they never stay long and are usually easily persuaded into silence but still I fear the mere possibility that I will hit upon the one thing that they can use to trump everything I might say back to them. at this point it seems that won't happen but I can never be sure.

and I've addressed these fears again and again and they don't go away. this is one reason why klonopin sometimes helps me to calm down enough to write. but I think today I will concentrate on teaching stuff and then tomorrow slide back into the dissertation.

I've also got to do some work for my other paying jobs who are probably wondering where I've been.

the first thing we do is sit. that's easy, relatively, although watching my mind bounce around from one thing to the next while I try to just sit can be exasperating. but that's what it's all about.
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous

survival research labs is my neighbor

the building next door is getting its roof repaired and they are doing the job complete with the little flame thrower they use to do whatever it is they do with the little flame thrower (set the tar?) and it is making me extremely nervous because more than once since I've been here roofing crews have managed to set the building next door on fire and granted the fire usually is relatively minor in that it only guts the immediate room right next to the roof but guess where I am.

I'm thinking I should take pictures of everything I own right now and get the cat carriers out where I can get at them very quickly and put on clothes and shoes and put my extra hard drive and my ipod in a bag and hang it on the stairs.

I'm supposed to go drop off my reader later but dare I trust these guys not to cause any harm to my cats and my stuff?

I guess I will wait and see what they are doing three hours from now which is when the car reservation starts.
  • Current Mood
    scared scared


well at least that got me to take pictures of all my stuff. now I just need enough extra $ for renter's insurance. of course if these guys set the building aflame their insurance will be paying. I took close-ups of the headstocks of all my guitars so there will be no replacing the Fender with a Squire.

I still don't know if I want to leave the house at 1. they have cut a hole in the roof a little further away, next to the building across the courtyard from us. if they have moved on to that I suppose I can leave the neighbors to worry about their own safety and go ahead with my day.

is this dumb? I'm all discombobulated.
  • Current Mood
    indescribable indescribable

no flames please

well I went and did most of what I had to do* and I when I came home everything was still here but I was pounding myself on the head repeatedly in order to make sure things turned out ok. as usual ::bop bop:: it worked.

I also stopped and got some more art supplies after seeing how much fun it is to cover gauze with paint and slop it onto canvas. so I got more canvas and more wire sheeting to add to the general texturedness of it all.

they are still working out there and it is still making me tense not only with the torch but with the general mayhem and yelling. I hope this is not a lengthy project as I really need some quiet in my room the next couple of weeks. I suppose ear plugs are always an alternative although then I wouldn't be able to hear anyone yelling fire!

* I say "most" because I stupidly did not print out a table of contents for my reader before leaving the house and so instead of turning in articles in random order I had to come back home to where my computer was to make said table of contents and now it's too late to get to the art institute before the office is closed so I guess I'll jump out of bed monday morning and run it straight over there.
  • Current Mood
    pessimistic pessimistic