January 18th, 2006


today is the day

today I promise I will shower. I have to go to berkeley today so before I go I will clean myself up a bit. yesterday was such a productive day that I feel I deserve multiple accolades but all I get is another day in which to get things done. I think I will let the dissertation rest and just do web stuff. if I don't hear from the fellow that administers the rhetoric web server I'm going to have to call him on his cell phone which of course fills me with terror. I need to conserve klonopin for teaching next week so it may be that I take one tomorrow, write more, call him, then somehow grit my teeth till next wednesday.

the last two nights I've been getting this massive anxiety in the evening and I don't know exactly what that is about except that there are plenty of things for me to be stressed out about. but I'm going to have to surf it because teaching trumps all in the anxiety category.

it will be good to have lisagail back on the west coast after today. I miss our IM conversations in the mornings and become a little rudderless without them.

so I'll sit and then shower and then off I will go to the east. apparently it could rain all day which means I have to decide what sort of rain gear to go with. since I've stopped wearing black all the time my black rain shell doesn't go with my entire wardrobe anymore. I hate leaving the house un-color-coordinated but one must stay dry. I still don't do umbrellas and maybe that is the last bastion of adulthood that I will leave unstormed because the things just seem to me to be an encumbrance. they're no good in the wind and you have to figure out where to put them and then you have to remember where you put them and one hand is always in the service of your umbrella when it's up which leaves only one hand for coffee and snacks and no hands to open doors with.

this is when I miss the seattle rain and the marvelous way it doesn't really get you wet.
  • Current Mood
    awake awake


I keep checking my email and reloading my friends page.

must. go. get. on. bart.

I need to check on santiago before I go as he stayed under the blankets this morning and I want to make sure he didn't get lost under there. when he sleeps all morning like this he is like a little bolt of greased lightning when he finally gets up and gets going. although I think he is finally beginning to mellow out of kittenhood--he's nearly two!--he still has to run around like a furry maniac after every sleeptime. it's amusing but distracting.

ok. start day. now.
  • Current Mood
    lazy slow

safe landing

I am over on the other side of the water now and it is lunchtime so everyone is gone from their offices. I will do a little work and then after lunch go bug some people for the hell of it. I don't do that very often, do I?

I need to spread the word that I need a quickie job this week. surely someone out there needs their website spiffed up.

yeah ok now I must work. work, you.
  • Current Mood
    lethargic lethargic

love is not the drug. pasta is.

it's amazing what a little food and fizzy water can do for one's disposition. when I came home I felt like I wanted to put my own eye out and then jam it down someone's throat.

then I ate.

much better.

I mean I'm still anxious but the urge to throttle has passed. I don't know what to do about this nighttime anxiety thing. I have to save my klonopin for teaching. valerian root does not work or that is it makes you sleepy without relieving your mental obsessions which turns out worse to the degree that you lose your rational defenses when you get sleepy.

I think I will sit and see what happens.
  • Current Mood
    anxious tense


anyone want to venture a guess as to what your body is trying to tell you when it can't get enough cereal? besides "we're regressing"?

I've started having at least two bowls a day and the other day I had three and I'm going to have to start buying milk by the gallon and I'm a little ambivalent about drinking milk as is although at least I get mine from a place that says its cows are free to roam but one is never sure exactly what that means.

incidentally I stopped drinking skim milk and eating cancun burritos and started drinking whole milk and eating other things for dinner and my cholesterol went down. I got a carton of whole milk one day when they were out of skim milk--since I've been told that 1% or 2% doesn't save you that much in the fat department I figured why not go all out--and it made my cereal so creamy and delicious that I was instantly hooked. no wonder I hated skim milk as a child! mmmmmm fat.

so I just had my evening cereal and it was the last of the carton of milk that I swore I bought two days ago. maybe three. this is ridiculous. you'd think I was a 14-year-old boy.

I should be past that stage by now. I think I'm at least in my mid twenties.
  • Current Mood
    full full