January 30th, 2006



huh. just reading what I've written so far is work. I have to stop soon and think about what comes next as I try very hard to keep everything in hand at one time even though I can only lay out the words one behind the other. a blast of sound would be more appropriate.

I might put that in.

I've actually written some complicated stuff. I need to finish reading though so that I can get some idea of where to go to get to where I want to be. I suspect that I could write a conclusion and be done with the whole thing quite soon here but I haven't even gotten to metonymy and Stein yet and if I don't get to them then the whole introduction will have to be redone.

or I could leave it the way it is and add a few comments about how the project is incomplete and that this particular manuscript will only go so far and then point the way to its "real" topic.

I have to say I'm pretty happy with myself.

I'd be happier if my finances were under control but one can't have everything I suppose.
  • Current Mood
    satisfied satisfied

I see

ok now I know what I have to do next. where to start tomorrow. this thing is dragging itself out but everything I've ever written has done that so what else is new. I think I might package up what I have and drop it off with my two less intimate committee members so that they aren't completely shocked when I dump the finished product whole and entire upon them after two years' silence. although I don't know how other students do it. I like to wait till I've got something nearly finished to let others in on it. it's not because I think what I'm working on is so fantastic that it has to be kept secret lest anyone bliss out prematurely, but rather, somewhat to the contrary, that I have to be fairly certain it is worth letting the light of day shine upon it before I let it out, and being the perfectionist that I am, that takes a really long time.

I will wait to see what Judith says first though just to see if there are details she'd like to see addressed differently.
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished

selling out

I don't quite see just exactly what they are doing for me but I'm going to see what happens if I write over at writingup.com at those times when I feel like saying something to an anonymous audience. the founders of the site promise me they will "market" my "content" but beyond telling people they exist I don't understand just how they are supposed to funnel readers to what the readers might want to read.

however they claim they are marketing experts and will come up with various schemes. we'll see.
  • Current Mood
    cynical cynical

cabin fever

I have not left the house a single time today. I haven't even opened the door. I've only barely looked out the window mainly to see if it would be worthwhile to open the blinds to let the sun shine in the livingroom but there was no sun today or that is there was sun up there above the cloud layer that kept us from enjoying the full effect of sunbeams on our daybeds so I did not go to great lengths to open the blinds more than the few inches necessary to give the cats room to keep an eye on the courtyard.

I did make some gestures towards productive work but actual productive work I did very little but the gestures themselves were necessary so it's not that I wasted time so much as I ran out of time.

but so now it is night and I did see sandy for a few minutes this morning but otherwise I've seen no one and conversed only online which is considerably important and consequential but still not like seeing someone look back at you when you speak which I can't say what there is about that that is important but it is and I don't really understand why but they tell me it has to do with being a social species which likewise I do not always fully comprehend.

I think I spent most of my childhood feeling as though I were a high-tension wire all wound upon itself and that I had no idea how to modulate it's voltages so that they could be expressed in an intelligible fashion without electrocuting us all. I did not know how to say what I so badly wanted to say and I was not even sure that what wanted to be said could be said properly speaking so I did not open my mouth with it but quietly spun around in little spiraling circles convinced that they were the mark of an alien presence whose language we could not know but whose thoughts were the driving force behind every illegible act. for years there simply were no words. or not simply: for years there was too much to say for the halting speech I had picked up and so speech itself was obliterated in the onslaught of a saying that could neither stop itself nor begin.

I will say this and that is it has taken years of intense study to be able to say any of this at all.
  • Current Mood
    giddy giddy