February 3rd, 2006


all fear all the time

I just remembered that today I was going to go read my evaluations. I knew there was a reason I was loathe to let the morning pass into productive time. it's not that I think they will be bad but I have never had a very thick skin and it does not take much to shake up my little ego. it is important, though, that I know what sorts of things are working for them and what are not, if I am to make meaningful adjustments this semester and also if I am to impress the art institute with my capabilities sufficiently for them to ask me back next year.

I also need to figure out to whom to ingratiate myself to be asked back. I do not really know who is in charge of what; I have met the department chair and I know the department manager but I don't know who exactly makes the hiring decisions. the fellow who hired me used to be the chair, I think, but I am not sure of that. I'd also like to know what sort of a future I have there, if any. I think one can only be "visiting faculty" for so long before they either make you regular or tell you goodbye. I would ask human resources about this but they rarely answer my emails. I mean I will probably ask them anyway but I don't expect an answer.

I also need to start thinking about summer employment. that I think I could do with a little mass email to strategically chosen persons. first I should find out just who is teaching this summer.

the one nice thing about normal work is that you don't have to keep hustling for it. on the other hand I never feel trapped in this industry!

too much to think about for a "day off," I say. I might as well do some work this morning but I'm not sure I'm up for it. I was also going to write letters today. finish my parents' letter, write my aunt a letter, write a letter to a friend I keep falling out of touch with. I used to like writing letters but as I get older I really prefer the informality of email. unfortunately my aunt, for instance, has no computer. I know. she's not even that old.
  • Current Mood
    stressed stressed

on not not thinking

when meditating you try not to focus upon any particular thought but it isn't necessarily about clearing your mind so much as stepping back from it and letting everything that comes into it go right back out again without molesting them with clingy obsessive thoughts so while I was not thinking but letting things zip by I realized that with my lack of recent vacation time this should be a Day Off Dammit and all those things I was going to do are out the window.

I might still write letters but: no evaluations, no worrying about summer, nothing vaguely resembling trying to live a life of responsibility and planning. I can do that on sunday. well I can't look at my evaluations till monday but all the worrying can be done the day before.

so what I'm going to do instead is return some overdue library books and then maybe pay some fines so I can check out different ones if the fines due are not too hefty and they have the books I want on the shelf. otherwise I will put the books in the return chute and run away to pay later when I am more flush.

speaking of more flush, my cousin K sent me a very nice xmas gift consisting of a sizable cashier's check. see this is what they mean by making room for something you want to come into your life: my bank account was just waiting for a little boost and here it is. what a nice gift! I wrote him a note assuring him that when I was a rich and famous poet I would do him a good turn. perhaps I should send him a print in the meantime. I wonder if he'd like a cubist rendering of a vacuum tube. yes that's what it is.

so if the library doesn't have the books I want I will go over to the zen center bookstore which is almost sure to have them. and maybe I will go buy myself some nice lavender candles somewhere reasonably cheap. I got an expensive one about a month ago and I never realized how lavender really calms you down. so my scent library must include lavender from now on but I need to find cheaper candles. I suppose shopping in the new agey store for rich gay hippies in the castro is not the best way to find reasonable prices on things like candles and incense.

doesn't this sound like a better plan for the day? I think it does.
  • Current Mood
    calm calm