March 20th, 2006

nancy fight

mother of all sunday nights

I couldn't be any more depressed that spring break is over and I didn't get to go anywhere, the daytrip to santa cruz notwithstanding.

moments ago, V, my nurse practitioner at the harm reduction therapy center inquired as to whether I might want to rethink my career choice if, even with the klonopin, the stress of teaching begins on mondays when I teach on thursdays. I have to ask you this. if you are a teacher, and a good one, but you can't teach because of a crippling social anxiety that does not respond to treatment, should you be eligible for disability?

I think so. I'm sure the republicans who run everything don't. I'm sure they think I should stop whining and just go slowly--or quickly--insane.

here I've spent ten years learning to be a university professor and I don't think I can be one. I could, I think, teach two classes per term without going completely crazy from the stress but the panacea that klonopin was supposed to be is not turning out exactly as hoped. at least so far. there is still time, and probably room for increased doses and all that but it is just depressing that I can do something and do it well and have to overcome sheer panic every time I do it, to the point that I obsess over it for days before it has to be done.

it may also be that I just needed more of a vacation than I got. I have to come up with a way to get out into the woods here at some point but every fucking payday I end up already owing 80% of my net to someone else and that's it. no money for a hotel room on the coast and not even enough money to go be a retreatant at Green Gulch because they require three nights and I don't have the time and money for three. I wonder if I could plead my case and just do two. I could spend one night in their guest house for $75 but at the moment I don't have $75 and by the time I get paid friday $220 of it will belong to various therapists. this, too, should be covered by the state or at least the fucking insurance company who have reduced their payments to "out-of-network" providers to a mere 60%. I say this every so often I know but almost everything insurance companies do should be illegal.

what the hell does it take to start a revolution, anyway? I'm looking for something on both the personal and political level. I want there to be money for artists that is not doled out exclusively to those who please the jurists. I want to be free to put whatever I want into my body as long as I don't hurt anyone and I want it legal, regulated for quality and potency, and taxed. I want mental disabilities to be recognized for the immense obstacles to well-being that they are and not referred to self-sufficiency or some other model based on specious idolatry of the independent subject. I want education to be free for however long anyone wants to stay in school and I want higher education to produce visionaries and compassionate leaders rather than efficient managers and jargon-spewing attention whores. I want every child in the world presented with a menu of worldviews to choose from by a variety of responsible and educated adults rather than indoctrination and brainwashing at the hands of the indoctrinated and brainwashed nuclear family.

is that enough? it's only the beginning. I will acknowledge being, at times, filled with resentment. this is not the best position to act from but it is a position we all must occupy at one time or another. at least I try not to make it a platform for stomping things out but for putting things together in a different way.

well now I'm not depressed so much as I am pissed off. on the scale, that's an improvement.
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