March 25th, 2006


I got some money cause I just got paid

actually I'm already tapped out but it's saturday and I got to singing the song and thought I should indicate that saturday nights always remind me of that or "saturday night's all right for fighting"--in fact I used to whirl around in my parents' living room to "saturday saturday saaaaturday saturday saturday saaaturdy" because it was saturday night and I had nothing I had to do and I was full of joy with nowhere to take it so I'd spin round and round and round until I collapsed out of breath on the couch.

oddly saturday nights did not depress me on account of church the next day until I left home for my year at college and then came back and my mom went back to waking me up to go to church on sunday mornings until that one saturday night I locked my bedroom door and heard a "oh for heaven's sake" and nothing more until the car pulled out of the driveway without me and after that they did not bother me anymore.

then I'd do stupid things like take lsd on saturday and still be hallucinating on sunday. fortunately in a round about kind of fortune, lsd never gave me a good trip so I stopped taking it after four tries. some of us are not meant for that sort of thing.

I keep dreaming that I've done some sort of hallucinogen and have to face my parents after no sleep and a bad trip. in the dream there's always a please get me off this crazy thing feel and I think it comes from that part of me who would really like it if my parents' answers to life the universe and everything were tenable because then life would be very simple or at least there is that part of me who still believes in the simplicity with which my mom faces life because it does mean that everything is decided and well in hand even if in order to get that way you have to reject nine-tenths of what the world has to offer.

of course life would not be simple for the same reasons it was not simple the first time I tried their worldview on for size but who doesn't wish for black and white explanations that make you a member of the good side and most everyone else a member of the bad side?

ok maybe not everyone wants that. I don't want that either but obviously part of me was and is still taken in by the ease with which Everything is explained and you get to get into a big cozy bed with god himself at the end of the day. although in some ways I do that now, to the extent that the border between me and the unconsciousnessness of matter is what constitutes the divine, which might be the case.

hence the love of falling asleep even when it means hours of annoying dreams.
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