April 2nd, 2006


day one

so it's "11" and I am just about ready to get dressed and do some work. I am officially an hour behind. setting my clock for "7:30" did get me out of bed by "8:30," but on a work day I'm supposed to be up at "7."

oh well. I would love to take another day off but can't come up with anything to justify it. I could promise myself to work friday but you know that sort of thing is very difficult to enforce when the day itself arrives.

so this is all I have to do:

get dressed
open dissertation file
type in at least one new sentence
close dissertation file
goof off

that's not so bad really but opening that file is one of the most difficult things I do and I do it on an almost daily basis. all the therapy in the world (because I've pretty much had all the therapy in the world) can't seem to make it any easier.

I have been wearing the same pair of pants for several days now. I mean I take them off to sleep but I keep putting them back on in the morning and with the store of clothes I've put together for myself you'd think I could work a little more variety into my daily sartorial routine but no for the past week it's been the buffalo jeans and the red tshirt with black silk undershirt.

I think I'm going to put on something different today just to make it a little more official that I am dressed to work and not to sit around wasting time kind of like I am right now only I still have my pajamas on so that means I'm still "waking up."

the day after daylight savings starts may well be my least favorite sunday of the year.

it used to be easter because on easter everyone in the county came to church and I had to wear some new dress that admittedly I would have picked out the pattern for--my mom sewed almost every dress I ever wore--and thus would have approved of but still it was a new dress and not worth the hoopla. we got to hunt easter eggs as kids but right after we were finished with that we had to get dressed and go to church.

I realize now that church only lasted an hour and forty-five minutes (including sunday school) but back then it seemed like all day and then as I got older and my mother grew more fanatical we started having to go every sunday night too. they had something like sunday school at night so that was another two hours gone. what the hell did they call the nighttime school--something training. I've completely forgotten. wednesdays there was a prayer meeting and during my born again time I went to those too.

yeah I could think of a few more things to put off opening that file but I think my time has come. the klonopin is beginning to take the edge off of the "it could kill you" feeling.
  • Current Mood
    awake "awake"

me too

just to join in the battle of the bulge that seems to be going around: my clothes are tighter than they should be.

I need to exercise.

see here's the problem. it's been in the fifties (fahrenheit) for something like six months now and if I go for a real walk in this weather I sweat like a goddamn horse the first fifteen minutes and then I freeze my ass off--still sweating, mind you, but freezing too. especially when there's a breeze. which there nearly always is, nearly always cool and westerly.

I don't do much else. there's no place in here for an old lady stationary bicycle or anything like that. I could jog in place I suppose but surely that would annoy the downstairs neighbors. I can't afford to join a gym. getting outside and walking is about the perfect exercise for me as I hate running for very long periods and I am scared to get a bicycle and try to ride it in san francisco not because of the hills but because of the insane people in cars.

but right now I have to really slow down almost to the point of going nowhere to keep from sweating/freezing. I easily walk three miles a day but very slowly and although I know it takes the same amount of energy to move a mass a certain distance the slow three miles don't seem to be doing much for me. I need to speed it up and add mileage so as to use more energy.

which, by the way, I have very little of to begin with.

it's supposed to rain for a week. I wonder what would happen if I went out energetically hiking in my rain gear? usually it means I get soaked from inside out despite the rain not getting in but the one thing about raingear is that it is a pretty efficient windbreaking device. so I could just sweat and get really hot.

yeah, I know the breathable membrane is supposed to keep you from accumulating body moisture, but you might as well turn a faucet on inside the jacket for all the good it does me.

I think, though, I have to get out there and suck it up. because it is getting harder to suck it in.
  • Current Mood
    full rotund

light? tunnel?

I wrote about four pages which is quite a bit more than the single required sentence. I still don't spy an end in sight but I am slowly getting through Levinas' arguments or at least the ones I open the book up randomly to read. once he's out of the way I get to have fun with Gertrude Stein and in fact a large portion of that may already be written in the form of the essay I wrote for Lyn some time ago. the first half of it has been deployed already as the skeleton of an intro.

I am annoyed that it is already 2pm but am wondering if I should put on rain gear and go for a brisk stroll. maybe wicking thermals under breathable water repellancy would make things not so horribly uncomfortable.

I think I should probably start out on a level course although I have been doing plenty of slow hill-climbing but fast hill-climbing might need to be worked up to. I guess that means the SOMA tour today.

I wonder if I put on a silk tshirt under a wicking thermal shirt if that could possibly deal with the deluge from within. radar shows a number of green spots but nothing terribly torrential so I might even be able to zip open the pits.
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished


well I guess it could be 6:30. the five-mile walk has me feeling quite virtuous and I am beginning to think that I should get a windbreaker for the days that aren't wet but are still breezy enough to make sweaty bodies shiver. the underwear/rain gear idea worked really well. my tshirt was soaking wet when I got home but never once did I get that icecicles-through-the-gut feeling from an innocuous breeze.

anyway as soon as I got home I put on my pajamas which makes 6:30 a little more tenable now but we'll see what the body thinks about going to bed in two hours when it is still light out. or maybe it will be dark. the one nice thing about constantly overcast weather is that you never really know where the sun is until it is suddenly dark.

i guess then we'll see.

the bowl of cereal I just ate is putting me to sleep. my last meditation for the day is bound to consist of flirting with and fighting alpha-stage sleep for an hour. always an interesting experience especially if you can keep track of the imagery which of course in meditation you don't really do.

but so it's now 7 and time to give it a whirl.
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy

oh yeah

now I seem to remember wanting to get up and do laundry really early tomorrow. it's gonna rain on my laundry no matter what so I wonder what would happen if I skipped meditation and went to bed now and got up at, like, 5. I wonder if I would be capable of that, even going to bed at 7.

one way to find out.
  • Current Mood
    sleepy very very sleepy