eriktrips

it's not that I expected my mom to come to graduation.
it's not even that expect to see her again any time soon. she probably will elect not to show at grandma Elsie's funeral when that day comes because we all know I'll be there.

I can't really explain why it is upsetting to find out she is going to her "grandchild"'s birthday party instead.

but it is.

I'm trying not to approach graduation from a complete 'poor me' angle but I'm having some difficulty remembering that commencement is just a silly ceremony you go through so that your friends can officially congratulate you. in fact my bachelor's ceremony was a complete anticlimax precisely because I spent it with my parents, who really hadn't done a whole lot to help me out but were the default choice for whom to invite.

this one might be parent-free, but catherine is coming, lisagail is coming, hugo/ute is coming, and I don't know yet about a few other people. this one should be much more fun.

so why am I bummed out that I can barely afford all the trappings? I bought unpersonalized announcements that I can print out my own cards with my name and fancy title for, which saved a little, but I remember when I started here I looked forward to the day I could get that beautiful blue doctor's gown and there simply is no way I can afford one, so we'll be renting the black one. I could buy a hood and/or the tam (the funny hat doctoral grads get to wear) but they each cost about $130. I can rent a hood, but unless I buy a tam I have to wear the plain old mortarboard that all the undergrads wear.

so I'm going to see if I can buy a tam after next payday, but I don't know if they are specially made or if they simply have them in stock, so I'm hoping I'm not too late.

I guess I feel like most people have help with this stuff, although I don't know the extent to which that is really true. I do know the younger you are and the more money your family makes the more likely you are to get the blue gown.

but we're all getting the same degree. I realize that life is unfair but it this is just one of those little annoying things that remind me of what I do not have and of the sizable class differences in higher education. I'm not working class exactly--unless "clerk class" is part of that--but this just puts the cap on a number of little shoves that you get used to in academia if you aren't born to the elite. that and mom are pissing me off.