April 28th, 2006


snooze bar

you know the funny thing is I used to sleep until noon quite regularly and didn't really think much about it but today sleeping in till 10am made me feel like I had already lost half the day. it's a good thing I didn't really plan to do anything today although one thing I have to do is go down to the clinic and get my pharmacy coverage renewed so I can get my prozac refilled. I'm down to one capsule and although it has a long half-life and I can get away with low doses for a limited time I need to get back up to my regular dose here pretty quick.

the other thing I have to do is get my announcements in the mail. the other day my printer stopped wanting to print envelopes but then after restarting and going on to print something else, it decided to print the envelopes all over again except of course there were no envelopes in the sheet feed but just regular paper. this was after I had deleted the job but printers have their own little psychotic realm that only they inhabit and no one else really understands.

I should also shower. I can still put off laundry for a couple more days having washed those socks but they won't last much longer.

my nurse practitioner at the harm reduction place said I should think about taking a couple of days off with absolutely no responsibilities some time soon as she believes I've been under a lot of stress lately which is true. I am going to try to make that next tue and wed. so between now and then I must not only get some more dissertation written but also tally up my students' response papers so that I can tell them who is missing what.

that reminds me that I need to email them all about who is presenting next week. so far two people have volunteered.

I must remember to bring snacks this time.
  • Current Mood
    awake awake

errands boy

I did what I needed to do today except that one thing I needed to do they wouldn't let me do until I do this other thing for which I have a scheduled appointment in two weeks but this is not good enough they want me to drop in next tuesday night. this didn't used to be the way and it is annoying that you can't actually get an appointment within the timeframe that you need to but they won't update your coverage without an md laying eyes upon you.

so I have one prozac till tuesday. I could buy some to tide me over but there would go the tam. I mean student insurance would reimburse me but not until sometime after commencement had already occurred I am sure.

anyone know anyplace I can score some cheap free prozac? this is so dumb. fortunately I have enough of a backstock of the other stuff to keep me unpsychotic as long as need be.

if I had to deal with social services on a daily basis I would probably be hospitalized for 'anger management issues.' I do pretty well the first couple of times you give me the run-around but after that I escalate in inverse proportion to how long ago my last T shot was. I'll be as patient as necesary for long lines and overworked clerks but I get really annoyed at inconsistent or impossible rules. it's all about money of course, and the fact that we can't be giving poor people too much access to medical care or they will abuse the privilege.

I have a bad attitude.
  • Current Mood
    bitchy bitchy

snooze bar redux

in other news, I am feeling really sleepy as though I did not stay in bed for twelve and a half hours last night and am pondering whether to meditate now before the cereal (=bowl of warm milk) or afterwards. I suppose the answer to that question is obvious but it is hard to tell the cereal jones that it has to wait.

if i went to bed at 8 I wonder if I could get myself up at a decent hour. it doesn't help that I think santiago is learning how to turn the alarm off or at least that if he paws at the radio enough eventually he steps on the right button.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired


in meditation I've been trying a few things. first I decided to "count" my breath alphabetically: breathing in I think of the next letter and breathing out I think of the first word that comes to mind that starts with that letter.

whereas this keeps my brain busy and somewhat randomized, I was getting too caught up in coming up with words and not paying as much attention to the actual breath part or the phenomenal experience of sitting in a whirl. so I gave up on the words and started using the alphabet alone instead of numbers but it was too easy to lose track of where I was without concentrating on the sequence itself so I decided to just choose one word and think it every time I breathed out, just as an index of breathing. for simplicity, I decided to make it a syllable instead of a word. 'ut' seemed nice.

it works a little better than everything I've tried so far. I could just say one number over and over but numbers have associations and one can get lost in a train of thought that starts after saying 6 three times for instance and the same can be problematic with a real word and in fact while doing the random word breath indexing I started to worry about what words my brain would decide to serve me and what hidden meanings I might start looking for in them so really this is how it all came down to a syllable. first I was thinking 'out.' 'out.' 'out.' but that morphed quickly into an 'ut' of indeterminate association.

I suppose this is what they call a mantra and is not normally what they do in zen but counting the breath does not work for me but indexing it with 'ut' does.

we'll see how this goes.
  • Current Mood
    optimistic optimistic